I hate being bipolar it’s awesome
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If I got a boyfriend I wouldn’t know what to do…
What do they eat? How often do they need to be walked? Can they be house trained?
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PhewThe Chosen Phew
1. Ice *check*
2. Ice *check*
3. Baby *calls 911*– Freezer Inspector –
Criminal Tip:
Buy a gun from a guy off the streets.
As soon as he sells it to you, point it at him & get your $$ back.
Free gun.
People on tiktok r like “I bought the viral mascara so you don’t have to” and im like when did I have to……
“At this point, if the Zodiac Killer is still alive, he’s gonna reveal his identity just so people don’t think he’s Ted Cruz. “ – my wife
I took off my shirt when I got home and my wife put her eclipse glasses back on.
5: I cleaned my room.
Me: Great! Do you feel good? Sometimes it makes me feel good when I clean something.
5: No. Next time you can do it.
boat question
Single Me- waxes routinely
Married Me- twirls my mustache aggressively when my husband makes me angry
Old enough to remember when infectious laughter had a positive connotation
😂😂😂😁😁🤣🤣
My seven year old reported to me today that the tooth fairy wasn’t paying him a fair wage compared to his peers and claimed that all his friends earn a liveable wage from tooth loss
ME: You bring that cash you owe me?
ELEPHANT: Oh, sorry man, I forgot.
ME: No you didn’t.
ac guy: when your air filter is dirty you
me: flip it around.
ac guy: no.
If a tree falls in the woods and there is no one to hear it, he still tries to play it off like he meant it so the other trees don’t laugh.
If you had a terrible childhood, you’ll be super-bummed out by Bank of America’s options for security questions.
Biden: I’m gonna punch him.
Obama: Smile and wave, Joe.
The strangest thing happened. A coworker who always says, “Living the dream” was mysteriously stabbed 37 times in the neck with my car keys.
What’s the weirdest thing your co-workers believed?
Me: Co-worker thought H2O meant hot water and CO2 meant cold water
J: Co-worker thought they taught a real lizard to talk in the GEICO commercials
babe what’s wrong you’ve barely touched any of your triceramisu
ME: {strips naked and stands on scales} Great! Looks like I’ve lost a few pounds.
STORE MANAGER: Sorry sir, but these scales are for fresh produce only.
[Ancient Greek Dandruff Shampoo Commercial]
MEDUSA: *looking super embarrassed, trying to casually brush a bunch of shed snake skins off her shoulders*
Signatures are so unserious, just “pinky promise” for adults… write your name in a silly little way on this very important piece of paper so we that we can send you to jail if you do anything wrong
If you eat a pregnant girls food, you’re required to have the baby for her
Those three magical words:
“Where’s the plunger?”
I find that honking the horn is an effective way to tell another driver, “You’re not going to believe this but you are driving a car right now”
*holding a hose*
Husband: What are you doing?
Me: I’m spraying anyone who steps on our property.
Husband: Isn’t your family coming over?
Me: *grins* In 7 minutes.
this is the most cat thing ive ever seen
Writer: Got this great idea for a movie… “102 Dalmations.”
Walt Disney: That’s way too many dalmations.