*seductively mows lawn to Careless Whisper*
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(Little Red Riding Hood but instead it’s me dressed as the grandma)
Little Red: Grandma what bad tweets you have.
Me: Okay what the
Me: hear me out— a food truck that sells crab related products called “Crab and Go”
Gordon Ramsey: why are you in my bathtub
You know you’re a parent when solitary confinement sounds like a reward not a punishment.
flight attendant: as u can see the captain has turned on the no murdering sign
[guy next to me is still murdering someone]
me: um excuse me
Me: I have NO drafts!
Wife: *opens window*
Me: …
Wife: *opens door*
Me: …
Wife: That better?
Me: I should have married your sister.
My flabber has been gasted.
*gets stabbed and looted by mugger*
me: “oh yeah just leave like everyone else does”
shark tooth fairy: *throwing fins up in the air* I quit
My wife just discovered that Idris Elba playing James Bond was just a rumor and that he has no desire to “dress that fine and fight like that so [she] can watch him.”
Please respect our privacy in this difficult time.
I’m an ass man, myself. 100% ass. Made of ass & butts & that’s it. This thing that looks like a face? Ass. These fists? Little butts. Hi.
Who called it Soylent Green and not Humanwich?
[game night]
date: do you have siblings?me: *flips table*
date: so you’re the youngest
THEM: You can’t go wrong with this recipe.
ME: Watch me.
Mickey wouldn’t last 2 min in a Tom & Jerry episode
Wanna feel old? Subtract your birth year from the current year.
[standing fully clothed in the shower pretending to cry]
me: *opening the shower curtain* yeah this will work
real estate lady: ill draw up the contract
9: I don’t get why that words with friends game mom plays is fun
13: it’s only fun because she’s old
Who called it ‘my foot’s asleep’ and not ‘comatoes’
Corn mazes can be confusing until you remember corn isn’t walls and you can just walk right through it.
6, pointing at her brother, crying:
He doesn’t want to play Barbies with me!
Me: None of us do.
I was telling some bro at a party about how I’m related to Emily Brontë and he said “it’s pronounced Blunt”.
My imaginary girlfriend rolled in at 2:30 this morning, so things are a little tense over here.
got so much cardio in today
Them: if you had the power to end one problem in the world today, what would it be?
Me: this conversation.
Watermelon Boss!
5: I need you to give me some money.
Me: Why?
5: Let me worry about that.
I don’t know how he put it in from that angle, but I liked it.
-me watching hockey
[1st date]
[to self] Don’t let her know ur a boa constrictor
Her: “How’s your meal?”
[i’ve dislocated my jaw & swallowed the whole table]
I eat bagged salad two days *past* the sell-by date, if you’re looking for a bad boy with a mysterious tummy ache
lmao babies are so bad at tic-tac-toe I win every time