I’m sick of this one horse town
*moves to two horse town*
No, no, this is too much
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My kid showed me a black paper and said, he has drawn a black panther but it is night time.
He has made two blue dots for eyes tbf.
“…tell me I can’t have a fish… I want a fish I’ll damn well have a fish… she’s not the boss of me… don’t know who that woman thinks she is…”
Adult: If it ain’t broke don’t fix it
Child: If it ain’t breakable, not interested
Stop telling me your newborns weight and length. I don’t know what to do with that information.
There is a lot of tension between bed and productivity today.
What did I do before Twitter? Well, there’s my family and……OH MY GOD WHERE’S MY FAMILY?!?!
If I ever get murdered, I want two white women with a podcast to solve it in their free time
Twitter is like a soap opera for some of you.
I’d like to be the one who sneaks into the hospital and unplugs your life support.
I hope you never have to experience the loss of a child. Lotta paperwork.
The people who came up with all these different rules for pluralization are bunch of peni.
WIFE: I’m leaving you because of your constant mansplaining. I can’t believe you didn’t see the writing on the wall.
ME: That’s called graffiti, Sharon.
As a kid I didn’t understand why all soldiers didn’t just carry bazookas, the most powerful weapon
It’s my potent alchemy of humility and charisma that has you off-kilter. Give yourself a moment to adjust.
Always the camel, never the toe.
no no i’m not stressed i just constantly grind my teeth and clench my jaw for fun.
HER: Can I give you my new number?
ME: *Eye roll* I REALLY doubt you came up with a number I don’t already know.
KID: Mr. Owl, how many licks does it take to get to the center of a tootsie pop?
ENDANGERED NORTHERN SPOTTED OWL: You cannot possibly think this is a priority for me.
[brain surgery]
SURGEON (secretly a zombie): fork
ASSISTANT:
SURGEON: …over that scalpel
are you comfortable? perfect, your kid needs something
Got kicked out of the gym for setting off the smoke alarm while running in my corduroy shorts.
me: I believe it was Meatloaf who said two out of three ain’t bad
wife: YOU LEFT ONE OF OUR KIDS AT THE GROCERY STORE
“Mum I think I’m pregnant. ”
“Are you drunk?”
“How do you know?”
“A mother knows everything, Kevin.”
#MothersDay
Asked my allergist to test for kid allergies and she said I can’t be allergic to my kids so that sucked.
“I’ll do it after I’m dead”
People that don’t know how death works.
He has found a brilliant way to automatically keep all the horses warm, fed, and clean.
He’s a stable genius.
school taught me a lot of useless stuff but nothing tops state capitals. if i’m ever in a career that depends on me knowing where Delaware’s governor works i have made some serious missteps in life
My dentist told me to relax, then got all judgey about me uncorking my wine in his office. He needs to make up his mind.
I miss being a baby and having milestones. No one cares if you’re an adult and can lift your head or roll over on a blanket.
Professor X gets a lot of credit as a progressive considering his solution to a race conflict was “give them their own school.”
Float like a malevolent entity. Sting like a priest throwing holy water at you.