For Sale: Washing machine. Active Wear cycle never used.
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911: 911, What’s your emergency?
Me: It’s John again.
911: John, seriously!!!
Me: I know. I know. Just an ambulance if possible. No cops.
We need to bring back house parties in a big way. There is something so special about talking to a guy on a couch
I’ve heard that some people have kids who sleep through the night and I’d like to know if they use tranquilizers or chloroform
I wonder if people who live on the sun are just as excited about the eclipse as those on earth..
If I die, tell them to reconstruct me from sock DNA.
Sometimes words are just not enough
And for such occasions, I have this flamethrower
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: *is asleep
Netflix: why are you like this
Wonder Woman: we need more warriors, have you sent in the reinforcements yet?
Amazon Customer Service: …what
God I hate these crossword puzzles
Does anyone know a 3 letter word for “Father”?
I’m a mom of 2 boys. My hobbies include always wondering where that smell is coming from and if it’s safe to pick up that towel or sock on the floor.
notice
I’m white, but not “gets eaten by a shark” white.
I love how when you walk through a spider web, you all of the sudden know Kung Fu.
The Riddler: riddle me this: what can you eat all night long, but never get full?
Batman: ?
I’ve been “watching my weight” and, rest assured, it’s still there.
Look on the bright side, parents. At least you have an excuse not to take your kid to Chuck E. Cheese’s now.
[i go to put out my electronic cigarette on a framed photo of someone i used to love but it only taps the glass] damn this piss hell future.
i made cheesy potato soup & my 5-year-old walked into the kitchen and told me it “stinks like a raccoon”
guys what if I accidentally brought home the wrong baby from the hospital because I don’t know if this one is mine
I don’t understand why people climb mountains. I literally pay someone else to carry my groceries
Some say the glass is half empty. Some say it’s half full. I ask “Are you going to finish that?”.
i wanna be one of those basic girls that’s really good at making shark coochie boards or whatever. you know, these.
I doubt anyone’s actually “dying” from seeing a cute baby picture on FB, but we can always dream.
Overheard, my parents, watching the World Cup:
Dad: Who are you routing for?
Mom: I’m routing for it to be over.
I asked my boyfriend what he wanted for his birthday and he said 20 dollars
I showered and left the house. The least you could do is fall madly in love with me
[my first day in a drug cartel]
kingpin: where’s the coke
me: is pepsi ok? hehe
[later]
police: this is the most bullet holes we’ve ever seen in a single body
Dad: You spent $750 for a college class on human anatomy? Do you think we’re MADE OF MONEY??
Me: Not anymore
If the chef tells me he made this with blood, sweat, and tears I’m calling the health department
me: when the weinermobile goes through the car wash do they take the bun portion off or do they just let it get all soggy
judge: i meant questions about your life sentence
DEVIL: And this is the lake of lava that you’ll be spending eternity in.
ME: Actually we’re underground so it would be magma.
DEVIL: This is why you’re here you realise.