I don’t have ADD. It’s just that everything is more interesting than what I have to get done.
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me: can you calm down
The Leg Bounce™: I literally cannot
DOCTOR: If your wife doesn’t deliver the baby in one hour, we’ll do a c-section
ME: *setting timer* ᴱˢᶜᵃᵖᵉ ʷᵒᵐᵇ
*falls on hard times*
Hard times: Get off me.
Before grocery trip: only getting healthy essentials
After grocery trip: how many grams of protein are in these Doritos?
all pants are breakaway pants if you’re angry enough
My mom when I was a kid:
“Never talk to strangers.”
“Never get in their cars.”
Me to my future kids:
“Here’s how to order an Uber.”
My new dentist was a former mortician apprentice.
He is different that he likes to bathe you before he does any dental work.
Stay at an airbnb if you want to clean up someone else’s house better than your own
“Let me be clear” the sliding glass door said as I face planted it.
Have kids they said, they definitely won’t lose your right AirPod in the yard and run it over with the lawn mower they said.
STEVE: you misspelled my name
ME: Oh uh it’s a joke
LATER, TO STOVE: I’ll make you another cake when he leaves
This woodpecker needs to switch to decaf.
Happy Teacher’s day, Wikipedia.
Because I never explained otherwise, my son spent a good stretch of time in his childhood thinking that a vice principal at a school was there in case the principal was assassinated.
I’ve been dieting for a little over a week and I already gained three pounds.
My neck, my back. My pizza and my snacks.
If the number 666 is considered evil, then technically, 25.8069758 is the root of all evil.
hello i have a very silly piece about hot dogs in the new yorker today!
you can read the whole thing here:
A funny thing happened on the way to my potential.
Me: you married?
Him: separated
Me: your wife know about that?
I’m not moody, I’m just on shuffle
Imagine falling in love with somebody and finding out they’re uncomfortable making the sex in an abandoned mannequin factory.
Allow me to demonstrate my special technique of hearing what isn’t being said.
I dreamt I was turning into a
t-rex. A tiny part of me tried to fight it
Amish murderers get the acoustic chair.
every nextdoor post is like “i saw a car drive by my house without asking my permission first. do i call the fbi or the national guard?”
So honored that @funTweeters chose one of my tweets! I absolutely love that site! #FF
Time for me to sign up for the hallmark channel for the next two months.
there are a lot of white women in fur-lined parkas that I need to watch fall in love
This was my dad’s browser history.
[picks up hitchhiker]
“Hope ur not a mass murderer. Haha”Actually I am.
“WHAT”
APRIL FOOLS!
“Whew”
I’m technically a serial killer.