Anything you say can, and will, be repeated in public
– young children
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Me: first, I wish for you to not judge me
Genie: okay
Me: second, I wish Disney would make another Tarzan sequel
Genie: k…
Me: third, I wish we were at McDonald’s
[McDonald’s]
Me: we’ll have 2 Tarzan Banana McFlurrys please 🙂
Genie: *trying so hard to not look pissed*
calling a guy “my ex”
-not true
-but makes it seem like he was my boyfriendcalling a guy “someone i only slept w 4 times over the course of three weeks but spent 6 months crying over”
-true
-but makes me look pathetic
these two trucks have the same bed length
Something about watching Catfish makes me wanna catfish someone so bad and I don’t think that’s what they’re going for
Watch out, fellow motorists! I’ve got fast-food in my hand and I’m not afraid to give it my full attention.
“I will eat 3 oreos” I say to myself, bringing the bag
my wife and I do this Batman role play where I disappear mid conversation like with Commissioner Gordon
king: the gods are angry with us
advisor: let’s throw a virgin into a volcano
king: how would that hel—
advisor: [throwing steΦen in] help what
The Slow and The Furious: me navigating a shopping cart through a grocery store filled with morons.
Make sure your first place together is on the ground floor, so when she throws your stuff out the window, it won’t break.
[someone breaks into the house]
Your dog: I will protect my family and our belongings
My dog: OMG OMG NEW FRIENDS HI I LOVE YOU LETS PLAY
“911 what’s your emergency?” MY WIFE IS BEATING MY KIDS! “Okay. I’ll send the police” *hangs up. OH CRAP I FORGOT TO SAY “AT MARIOKART”
So apparently they don’t count as sit-ups if you’re just trying to get out of bed. Shame, as this morning I did about 9
I showed my kids how to use encyclopedias. I stacked four of them to reach something on the top shelf.
Instead of a pre-workout protein shake I have mashed potatoes and gravy and instead of working out I have mashed potatoes and gravy.
Not right now, protecting the 50 lb pit bull from the scary washing machine.
Who even thought of soup? Were they like, you know what this perfectly good meal needs? Water.
how did ur grandpa get dementia and forget EVERYTHING except the racism
Found a page in 14 year old me’s journal in which I wrote “And the killer is—-.” The rest of the pages are blank. I hate 14 year old me.
honestly if it were raining men I would not hallelujah
“Am I as bored as you are?” can be read backwards and still make sense.
Ok I have a confession…. When I was 10 I use to get hungry during the church service and I would sneak to the kitchen and heat up the sausage biscuits they would have in the fridge for Sunday school. I didn’t know they kept inventory. They said 100 went missing in a month 🫠
Cornhub…
For them dirty farmers.
Cashier: sir the conveyor belt isn’t meant for riding
Me: I- I gotta know
Cashier: know what?
Me: *sighs* what I’m really worth.
scan me
Pet Store Manager: What qualifies you to work here?
Applicant: I’m kind of sweet yet sad & a bit creepy for some reason
PSM: You’re hired!
They’re really bad with fonts.
Legend states that when you’re in the middle of an existential crisis, a child will appear to cry about their sibling looking at them the wrong way
I serve garlic bread at every meal, but these blood-sucking vampires still haven’t moved out.
I’m good in short bursts like grenades or gamma radiation.
H: So what’s the worst thing you’ve ever seen someone do?
Me: I watched a mother buy her son a harmonica.