My tupperware bowl just reminded me that I had spaghetti in 1999.
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Ain’t no party like a pig farm party cuz a pig farm party got slop.
Dog Mechanic: The repair is gonna take longer than expected.
“Why’s that?”
Dog Mechanic: The clutch is worn out, also because I am a dog.
Sometimes I look at my 13yo daughter and marvel at how smart she is, how beautiful she’s getting, and how the hell she wakes up after sleeping for 10 hours without having to immediately run to the bathroom and pee.
I bought a pair of underwear today.
In the front it says ‘I would do anything for love’.
In the back, ‘But I won’t do that’.
Mornin
[during sex]
Can you please take your Fitbit off.
Baby I’m gonna rock your world but first give me an hour and a half to get these skinny jeans off
Wife: Silent
Me: What’s wrong?
Wife: Nothing
Me: Grabs shield and sword
Is there a button for “please show me more ads like this”???
Secretly hoping my ex will call or text one day, just so I can reply, ‘Who’s this?’
My friend has six kids and not once have they sang about going to bed. What in the VonTrapp is going on there?
A chilling warning for the old people in my village.
a tweetup with your friends who all got suspended from twitter is “getting the banned back together”
“I don’t care how goodlooking you are if you don’t have any brains.” -Zombies
I don’t really ask for much, just good health and happiness. Oh, and a tater tot as big as my head.
the correct way to spell “hats” is HATS because it’s all caps
I need to find a way to politely tell the new girl that- how can I put this delicately?- aliens can smell her perfume in space.
Boss: hey greg meet your new coworker please don’t accuse him of being a dinosaur
me: I won’t I’m not an idiot
Coworker: hey nice to meet u I’m Ptery
me: *eyes narrow*
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my greatest strength is, I want to say, “I push myself.”
captain: a lot of rumors floating around saying I sunk the ship
sailor: [clinging to a piece of the hull] please stop calling us rumors sir
*Me ordering food, wearing a new white shirt*
I’ll have whatever is the most splattery and red
Sees cute guy in the parking. Drops something so I can bend over & do the sexy hair flip. Forgets I have short hair. He sees me as seizing.
I just leaped over a 3ft tall dog gate with the skill and grace of an olympian to get a snack from microwave.
*Adds track star to resume*
me: you’re killing it
my murderer: that’s so nice of you to say
My biological clock is wheezing.
11yo said he can’t wait to grow up so he won’t have to do chores anymore. I had forgotten how cathartic it is to laugh until you cry.
wife: Did you work late?
[flashback to me missing my exit because the car in front of me had Shrek on and I wanted to see the ending]
me:Yep
me *swallowing pride*
baby lion: holy shit
Accidentally bought a left-handed bottle of shampoo and now I have to shower facing the other direction.
Geez, I’m so sorry…I’m not normally ticklish.
(me to the nail lady I just kicked in the face during my pedicure)