I spend 99% of my drunk time chasing my cat around trying to give him a hug.
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I used humor as a defense mechanism.
Also bear traps.
You can’t be too careful.
Who called them mermaids and not scale models?
doctor: now let’s step over to the xray machine
ray: the what
Barbie gave me unrealistic body standards like that my head would fall off.
in other news: 8 hours from now, half the country will be screaming about tragedy and loss b/c some dudes didnt catch a ball enough times
Wonder Woman 2: Wonder Woman goes to Costco. She pulls apart 2 shopping carts that are stuck together. Costco shoppers amazed. Roll credits.
I just checked Web MD and a heart that grows two sizes is called a cardiomegaly and the grinch is pretty fortunate to be alive.
A spider crawled across my leg while I was driving and of course that fucker survived the crash.
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
People who incessantly go on and on about replacing things that taste good with quinoa, please stop
If you ever think you see Dean Koontz, start chanting koontz-koontz-koontz over and over so if it isn’t him it’ll just look like you’re really into techno and public humiliation.
My 9: what language does toast speak?
French toast.
My neighbor is pissed at me because I started dating her ex boyfriend so soon after they split up.
She dropped him and I feel the 5 second rule applies here
She does not
Vin Diesel’s full name is Vintage Dieselengine.
There’s a police officer trying to get me to roll down my window.
I’m calling the cops.
Gate agent: we’re going to have to check your carry-on bag
Me: why, are there no overhead spaces left on the plane?
Gate agent: no, there are. we just don’t like you.
I’m not saying your dumb. I’m saying you’re dumb.
[dog people] here’s my angel Rex! he knows 19 tricks & brings me my slippers every morning!
[cat people] this is Princess Murder who lets me live with her.she pees on everything i love. her interests include screaming & eating bugs. when she asks me to kill for her i will say yes
My 6-year-old made me a necklace for mother’s day. She gave it to me yesterday on my birthday. She took it away from me before she went to bed so she could wrap it up and give it to me again for mother’s day. I like her style.
[take your kid to work day]
COWORKER: is this your son steven?
ME: actually it’s stephen
COWORKER: oh okay. how old is he?
ME: sephen
[first Captain to go down with the ship]
Captain: are you sure this a thing? I feel like this isn’t really a thing.
Crew: [already rowing away in the lifeboat]
We got a dusting of snow here in Michigan. Or as people south of Ohio refer to it: “Death Blizzard 2017.”
Tell me again how your unborn child will not see a screen before she’s 8. I want to write down your exact words.
My toddler gave me his Christmas list and it’s ridiculous. Like a majority of this stuff sounds completely made up. “Robot crab that transforms”? Why would anything like that even exist?
*checks Amazon*
I wonder if he’d like that crab in red or blue
My boyfriend wanted a serious relationship so we stopped smiling at each other.
Me, at the intervention: “Ah look, all the reasons I drink gathered in one place.”
Love is a can of soda. Open it up too fast & it explodes all over you. Take too long, it goes flat. But no matter what you should recycle.
I’ve stopped drinking for good. I only drink for evil now.