*proposes to girlfriend*
*accidentally drops ring in the street*
“I’ll still marry you”
Sorry, I’m married to the streets now
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I’m about to go for a run as soon as I text all my enemies and let them know.
There’s magic in the air and it’s called Wifi.
Got kicked out of the gym for setting off the smoke alarm while running in my corduroy shorts.
The ostrich may have the right idea
but I hate sand in my hair.
How we blocked people in the 90s 😄
If i had a dollar for every time you guys said Twitter was going out of business, I’d have enough money to buy Twitter.
My cat hissing at an empty chair is why I sleep in the attic.
Don’t take this the wrong way, but you’re all horrible sinners and you’re going to hell.
me: no don’t open that candy before din-
5: [opens bag of candy and skittles go everywhere]
me: [deep breath] iwantedkidsiwantedkidsiwantedkids. ididthistomyselfididthistomyself.
ME: Tell me my future.
PALM READER: I see you going to prison for murder.
ME: Hah! Shows what you know! This isn’t even MY palm!
me: you find me interesting? *acting coy & twirling my hair*
FBI agent: No, you are a ‘person of interest’ I need to ask you some questions
People that freak out about their photos being bookmarked should probably know about the save function. And screenshots.
she FINALLY texted me after 16 hours now i will make her wait 45 seconds
Been married a few times. Always the bride, never the bridesmaid
They say you shouldn’t drive distracted…
that’s why I make my kids run along side the car.
Me: *gives a detailed explanation of the law based on 20 years of experience as an attorney*
Female client: My husband said the exact opposite of what you told me.
Me: Where did your husband go to law school?
Client: He didn’t.
Me: So you should probably just do what he says.
If Oprah took over Favstar, everyone would get a trophy.
*gets home from game*
“whoa what happened to your eye”
I was on the Kiss Cam
“oh she wasn’t into it?”
with the t-shirt cannon guy’s daughter
FOOL people into thinking you’re a time traveller by angrily demanding what year it is
Of course I’m not going to use my cat’s real name. Lord knows what all these internet perverts would do with that information.
I’ve decided I’m not going to let my teen’s attitude get to me today, and so far I’m doing really well with it.
She’s not awake yet.
Me: I wouldn’t miss it for the world.
Friend: It was yesterday.
Hansel and Gretel is my favorite story about eating children.
that de-escalated quickly
My greatest wish is for every guy who has ever rejected me to end up with a girl who asks tons of questions during a movie.
I got arrested for punching a mime and the judge sentenced me to six months of community theater
I’ve just found a mole on my shoulder.
I don’t know how he got out of the garden but he’s cute.
11yo: Mom, can you look at the sky? It looks flat.
Me: That’s because it’s not real. You’re in the Matrix & they’ve got a second rate programmer on tonight.
11: Never mind.
Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s most likely where you left your car.
2022: I can fix it