Every new rapture I remember the guy I knew whose parents announced during their weekly family dinner that since he was obviously not getting raptured he could have the house.
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#IsStrangerThanStrangerThings
A groundhog taking the wheel
Headed to police station to go through mugshots for a date tonight. I don’t trust ChristianMingle.
Some people are glistening beacons of nope.
*putting dead animal heads on the walls*
People will like this!
Dang it, I looked at my phone for a second while driving and now I don’t know what road I’m on. Maybe I’ll ask this talky fellow on my hood.
Dear waiter,
You messed up my order because you didn’t write it down. I employed your strategy while calculating the tip.
Love,
David
I’m an independent thinker. The guy on YouTube that I have based my entire life around told me so
Me: I can save some money if I install this new dishwasher myself.
*4 hours of clanging, shoving and inventing new curse words*
Me: Sticks out a little, but seems to work
Wife: Now the drawer with the silverware is blocked
Me: WE’LL EAT WITH OUR HANDS!!
1886: We invented a car!
1903: We invented a plane!
1969: We went to the moon!
…
…
…
…
…
…
2015: Taco Emoji!
I’m not a chef but sometimes I use the word umami so people know I’ve seen some cooking shows.
No one:
Absolutely no one:
Alexa: I’ve found one zoo near you with monkeys.
Bad guys in the 80s all had helicopters. If you saw a chopper in the sky it was either a news copter or a greasy bad guy trying to kill Michael Knight.
that moment when your spouse asks if you’re listening and yes is not the right answer but no is also not the right answer
i’m in a comfy dress today, but i look like a potato in floral. call me nelly flortato.
If you’re a home repair guy a good business strategy is to follow guys home from Lowe’s after they buy a power washer and drop your business card in their mailbox.
As I was going through my wallet for a second I thought I got robbed… And then I remembered I got gas.
Me: how about a sexy rendezvous?
Him: did you just pronounce it ren-dezz-vuss?
Me: we’re texting
Him: I heard it
If you see me at the beach this weekend, that’s not me. Don’t follow me. That works here but is creepy in real life.
I learned most of what I know about dropping pianos on people from cartoons.
mugger: gimme all your cash
me: lmao my what
Gets drunk.
Drunk: Oh I’m so gonna get you back.
Saw a unicorn using a phone booth and all I can think is, who is she calling?
(Mayday)
PILOT: I didn’t go thru 9 years of flight school to crash
ME: *relieved* Thank G-
P: I went through 0, so the crash will make sense
Mistletoe, poinsettias, and holly berries are all toxic plants that can potentially be harmful to humans and pets.
Here’s a great idea, let’s decorate our house with them for Christmas!
ME: [gets into a car accident]
EMT: Sir, please step out of the vehicle, we’re trying to save lives
Me: I’m here for Unreliable Club
Guy: The meeting was yesterday
Me: I know
Guy *under breath* holy shit this guy’s good
yes, I did pass these out on my last family vacation.
Husband: What’s up with the notepad taped to your arm?
Me: It’s so I don’t forget to write down my tweet material.
H:
Me:
H: I think it’s time to take a break…
Me: Ok, I’ll miss you but I support your decision.
H: …from twitter
DEATH: behold, the four horsemen! The apocalypse is nigh!
ME: You’re all centaurs?!!!
FAMINE: What did you expect?
ME: lol
WAR: STOP LAUGHING!! ALL SHALL PERISH!!
ME: you want a sugar cube?
FAMINE:… Yes
me: *hand on his shoulder* you can’t save everybody. just call time of death
doctor: you have a sprained ankle