20s: I want to see the world!
40s: If I do all of my food shopping on Sunday I won’t have to go outside for a week.
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I can’t stand people who are indirect
You know who you are
We now live in an age where we rely on technology for even mundane tasks.
Think about it.
Some of you likely need GPS to find your backyard.
On my home screen I surrounded the Fitbit app with a bunch of food delivery apps so it knows what’s up.
This meal prepping shit is easy
me: how can Americans be so arrogant?
also me: *is mad when United States is listed alphabetically instead of at the top of a list*
Remember the days we could get out of bed without looking like a newborn pony trying to walk?
Good times.
Dear Kelloggs,
Cereal that makes them go back to sleep.
Sincerely,
Tired parents
Just got asked to promote something on my Twitter. I laughed. My followers would hate that! I was so mad I had to cool down with a Pepsi™
I’m now on year 3 of the ‘7 day ab challenge’
people complain a lot about the airport but i find it pretty hard to criticize a community that so strongly embraces breakfast pizza and sleeping on the ground
Cashier: this coupon expired last week
Me: so did this yogurt
Offered my daughter $30.00 to help me get the house clean for our bbq tomorrow.
She hired her younger brothers for $5 each to do her work.
🤦🏻♀️
50% of parenting is saying “we’ve got food at home.”
Me (severely dehydrated): This churro is overcooked, and I can barely taste the cinnamon
Lifeguard: sir, put down the pool noodle
[police lineup]
VICTIM: That’s him! The dopey fat guy in the middle.
COP: We haven’t started yet. That’s your own reflection in the glass.
At my funeral play the Super Mario original theme until my casket is lowered in the ground then play the underground music
Who has two thumbs and refused to read the instruction manual for his electric carving knife? Not my Uncle Joel, that’s for sure.
My wife: “I’ll be ready in a second. I just have to get the kids dressed.”
Me: “OK.”
*takes a nap*
*reads four books*
*builds a pyramid*
I used to constantly compare myself to the people around me but, as I’ve grown older, I’ve got better at not having people around me.
My doctor’s office scheduled my appointment 6 months from now and asked me if that’s good.
I don’t know what I’m doing 2 hours from now, but sure.
when bread gets all hard we throw it away but when it’s toast we’re like yay breakfast
looks legit
“The biblical Noah is no different than say, a Pokemon master, collecting God’s creatures for his own amusement,” I casually mention during the staff meeting while waiting for my PowerPoint to load
One time I met a karate instructor who didn’t have a ponytail so I called the police
when it’s the weekend and you stupidly thought you might actually get to sleep in
“We’ll get you another ball, Hank.”
DOCTOR: I have bad news
MAN WHO WOKE UP FROM 5 YR COMA: I don’t mind as long as I get to see my favorite gorilla from the Cincinnati zoo
My toddler just discovered he can put things in his pants pockets, so laundry should be fun tomorrow.