You don’t need to put “narcissist” in your bio.
This is twitter, that shit goes without saying.
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You never hear of Albert Einstein’s evil twin brother, Frank.
How much peanut butter do you guys usually have on your phone?
Birds do it/Bees do it/Even educated fleas do it/Let’s do it/Let’s make people super nervous anytime we’re in their personal space
[landlord showing new tenant around]
“No smoking allowed”
“How about pets?”
“That’s fine”
[dog walks in and lights up]
“We’ll take it”
Doctor: “Are you ready for your shot today?”
Me: [Puts on a bulletproof vest.] “I’m ready.”
My superhero origin story began when I was bitten by a radioactive sofa.
ME: here’s your bday present!
BUDDY: [tries to grab it but it won’t budge] did u wrap your own hand flipping the bird again
ME: just open it
Here are 5 things you should know about me:
1. I’m very secretive
my new yoga pose is called the lounging hippopotamus
Farmers who aren’t pro tractors, what’s your angle?
It’s fine when the cat looks like this. Hell it’s actually good.
Doctor: tell me everything you told the nurse 5 minutes ago.
I wouldn’t have to stash these leftovers in my bra if this dress had pockets
Wife: What in the hell are you eating?!?!
Me: Soup
W: That’s Queso dip!!
M: Cheese soup
– grabs leash
– grabs phone
– takes dog out for walk
– pulls out phone
– checks Twitter
– walks dog to South America
The newlywed couple laughed when I gave them blankets labeled “his” and “hers.” Obviously this is their first marriage.
That girl from The Exorcist was a real head turner
If you carry a clipboard, you can call it “research” instead of stalking.
I text him the eggplant emoji along with “I would like this tonight” (because I’m planning dinner) and I have never seen a man so excited for vegetables.
I would rather see a scorpion in my house than one of those antique dolls with the glass eyes.
“omg you’re filtered.. If you ever go missing no one will recognize you to find you”
Ummmm I’m not seeing the down side here
confession: when my barber spins me around and hands me a mirror to check the back I just fake it. Who is even that coordinated?
Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul…to keep…
If I shall die before I wake–
Yah, I really don’t like where this is going.
Strong people don’t put others down. They lift them up.
And throw them.
“Over my dead body” doesn’t mean “no.” It means I get to do what I want and as a bonus I get to kill you.
The inventor of predictive text has died.
His funfair will be hello on Sundial.#1PUN
[In a warehouse]
Murderer: I’m gonna get you!Me: *echoing from hidden location* Hi, “gonna get you”, I’m Dad!
Murderer: What the… where are you?
Me: Did you look under there?
Murderer: Under whe-Hey!
Me: *whispering* Super lame murderer says What.
Murder: What- Damn it!
Anytime I go to the doctors I feel so ripped off. Whatever my complaint is, it’s always the same damn advice: “Lay off the methamphetamine.”
Not saying it’s hot, but I’m slow-cooking a meatloaf in the back seat of my car so dinner will be ready when I get home.
As a rule, if the number of genders allowed to drive in your country is less than two, you live in an awful country.