Caught my son on an archaeology website looking at dirty pitchers.
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Yoplait
I plait
We all plait for foreplait.
Teacher: I’m worried because your daughter keeps spelling her name T-R-M-N-L.
Me: but I just taught her how to spell PAIGE.
Teacher: tell me what you told her.
Me: P as in Pterodactyl, A as in Artist, I as in Imaginary, G as in Gnat, and E as in Elephant.
I went into accounting because there is strength in numbers.
earth is the only habitable planet in the solar system. wow. feeling very lucky that it’s the one i was born on
Sure I’m stable, but like in the way a flatline is stable
someone: *obvious flirt*
me, oblivious fool: aw they are so nice
also me, five years later, waking up in cold sweat at 3 am: WAIT A MINUTE
What in all holy hell is going on with this box of toilet paper I just got from Amazon
Dishwasher broke, so now I’m washing them all by hand like some sort of motherless Disney Princess.
#Caturday
– dinner –
Kid 1: finishes in 18.4 seconds
Kid 2: finishes in 34.7 seconds
Kid 3: finishes in 5 hours 29 minutes
Guy sitting next to me on the plane is also scrolling twitter. Trying to scope out his @ so I can DM to ask if I can put my head on his shoulder for a nap.
I was feeling really festive watching the fireplace channel on tv, until I got confused and tried to throw another log in there.
Him: you’re so cool
Me: thanks
Him: …and aloof
Me: thanks
Him: it’s like you were raised by cats
Me: *licks his face* huh?
*text alert*
me: i hope that’s my crush
pharmacy: thanks for picking up your antipsychotics today
I went for a hill walk in the rain yesterday. Anyway long story short, I can still do the splits
“if you had to pick only one musical group to strand on a desert island, which would be the most appropriate to do that to?”
“maroon 5”
Me: give me all the brisket you have
Food truck attendant: jesus I’m driving 80, how are you still holding on
Them: what charity are you raising money for?
Me: *in a bath of beans* raising money?
[Storm into Octopus Boss’ office]
I want a raise or I quit!
[Octopus Boss is almost done camouflaging against the fern]
NOT THIS TIME
My buddy’s wife put him on a strict diet, so now I earn money by selling him Reese’s through the back door.
[rejected dialogue from star trek II: the wrath of khan]
khan: revenge is a dish with a dried glob of food on it that won’t come off no matter how hard you scrub
me: ted is coming over tonight
wife: i always feel ostricized when ted is over
me: hun, *i take her hand* you are nothing like a giant bird
TEENS: You might find yourself “embarrassed” by certain things your body is doing, when in fact, you should be ashamed.
Girlfriend: It’s 11:11, make a wish
Me (eyes roll): *stares out window*
Girlfriend: [gets text message] Crap, I have to go home
Me: Holy shit
I wish my car’s back-up camera had a “Save” button, because some of the expressions on their faces.
A computer game where you go back in time with a gun to kill Adam; it’s a first person shooter.
One normal thing I like to do on my my lunch breaks is go on Zillow with my 20 million dollar budget and my f***ing delusions
[in hell]
ME: *sitting down in auditorium* this doesn’t seem so bad
SATAN: *on stage* hi everyone, before I begin my interactive performance—
ME: ugh
SATAN: —I’d like everyone to move down to the first three rows
ME: UGH
How’d you get a black eye?
Walked into a door.
[Later, another shiner]
More doors?
*nods*
One does not simply walk into more doors.