[in bed]
Me: Don’t you love being on top?
Date: *peering down from top bunk* this isn’t what I had in mind
Me: shhh, you’re gonna wake my mom
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My 5yo believed the classmate who said that a snake struck him in the mouth and knocked out his two front teeth, but she won’t believe me when I tell her that she MIGHT like what I’ve made for dinner.
I hope this email finds you-
Waldo: *slams laptop shut* holy fuck that was close
Find someone who cares about you as much as gmail cares about new devices signing into your account
If I could go back in time, I’d probably stop Bruce Willis from saving us from that asteroid.
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to be alive.
TIME TRAVELLER: No
WAITER: You guys ok? Do you need anything?
Imagine it’s hundreds of years ago and the ground shakes violently and then a couple days later the sun vanishes we’d definitely be burning some witches
I missed going to the gym today.
So that’s 20 years in a row now.
Sometimes I’ll see a tree so odd looking I’ll think, “if I drew that tree perfectly people would think I can’t draw a tree.”
It finally happened. I’m at a restaurant and a guy at the next table told the waitress “Fun fact about me: I’m a google reviewer and my reviews have over 2.5 million views”
When your wife asks you to dig
a hole for her shrub-She’ll feel threatened if you make
it large enough to hold a body.I know this now.
Every group chat births a second smaller group chat without the annoying people, and if you think yours doesn’t, I have some bad news
I don’t hate children, just yours.
this november isn’t novembering the way previous novembers, novembered.
Sorry I said you and your husband look related.
Decided to use the classic celebrity break up picture torn in half method to announce that my cat no longer likes these treats.
DO YOU WANT ME TO RAP?
I WILL RAP!– how I threaten my kids
Dentist: Mike, you really don’t need to get undressed when you get in the chair.
Me: Oh, no, it’s no problem really. I don’t mind.
Mouse
[creation]
GOD: You all have a divine purpose
HORSE: I will plow man’s field
COW: I will give man milk
GUINEA PIG: I will test man’s shampoo
Jesus Christ this website is exhausting I just want free healthcare and a president who doesn’t look directly at eclipses
Phonetics
Can you put some pants on my voodoo doll & pop some money in the pocket please
If someone walks in on you hatching your evil plan, just tell them you were rubbing in some hand moisturizer.
When it says “fussy” and “cries excessively” on the medical form, are they asking about me or the baby?
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion texts: Please answer baby. Let me make this right.
blood is thicker than water, which is my secret to winning the annual county fair gravy contest every year
The English language lacks a word to mean “To make a spouse feel uncomfortable by aggressively cleaning the house around them”.
Me: This edible isn’t working.
Me 20 min. later: Lifts the toilet seat expecting it will turn on the bathroom light.
Are you from iraq? …..cause i wanna see you baghdad ass up