Huge sale this weekend, we have too many mountain lions, please come buy a mountain lion, this was a horrible business plan, one guy got ate
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DID YOU KNOW: Petting dogs is a video game, and if u pet a dog perfectly enough, u will unlock the ability to go to a dog’s Birthday Party
Cute Red panda trying to scare off a stone , by standing..
my ex was like “i know a spot” then took me to the lowest point in my life
[Kitchen]
Me: I’m a were-state. When the moon is full I turn into a US state.
Wife: No you don’t the moon is full now.
Me: *Illinois noises*
“Bob’s here”
Bob the surgeon or Bob who just pretends he’s a surgeon?
“We only know one Bob and he’s an accountant”
*arm falls off*
My wife wanted me to take her to one of those restaurants where they prepare the food in front of you.
So, I took her to Subways.
Every time I watch, “The Shining” I am overwhelmed by how sweet a gig he has.
*eats half a pan of brownies while making salad for dinner*
Amazon Review: A History of Criminals
★★★☆☆Not a bad book. Prose and cons.
The aliens among us mentally scream at having to continue this charade.
I hope I never have to produce an alibi…cause eating salsa in bed with my cat every night would never hold up in court.
All I really hope for at this point is to never be in a situation where my flight number ends up the title of a movie.
Calls restaurant:
Me – Hi, is your place kid friendly?
Host – Yes it is.
Me – Thank you.
Host – Would you like to make a reservation?
Me – Nope.
I only say “I love you” to
1. Family
2. Lifelong Friends
3. Dogs that I met 3.5 seconds ago.
“To boldly go where no one has gone before.”
“What?”
“I said boldly go where no one has gone before.”
“What happened to the to?”
“It split.”
I’m starting to wonder if I really am the ideal size and weight to test the town catapult or if the other townsfolk simply don’t like me.
Yep.
BOSS: Ok, so we’ve decided we’re definitely going to call our new product yogert. Has anyone got any thoughts on the spelling?
ROBHURT: yeh
Bro what is this
Crazy how they’re still wasting money on sleep research, when we all already know that the necessary sleep time is five minutes more.
“Son, do you know why we named you Easter Bunny?”
*sigh*
“Because you don’t b-”
“BECAUSE WE DON’T BELIEVE IN YOU”
[Entomologist Meeting]
Guy 1: We found a new, wingless bug. Name ideas?
Guy who named the fly: A crawl?
G 1: Shut your goddamn mouth Todd
text from my dad when lebron broke the record
When I see a girl with a lot of makeup, I just wanna to use my finger & write `”WASH ME”` on her face.
ME: I will now pull a rabbit out of my cat
MAGICIAN TEACHER: omg what have you done
If zombies eat brains, 90% of Twitter is safe.
A sweet potato is just a regular potato that thinks that dress of yours is to die for
Judas has been acting weird the last few days.
“All of everything is about balance,” she says juggling three chainsaws, five flaming bowling balls, & a chicken named Englebert.
Every “People Actually Want To Return To The Office” piece sounds like it was written by a lonely office desperate for attention.