Last night, I took a sip of water and a spider crawled on my lip! I no longer drink water, have lips or live here.
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Super irresponsible to host a murder mystery party when real murders go unsolved
i finally quit drinking for good
now i drink for evil
I hope this magician is good [curtain rises to reveal a man with no goatee] get your coats, children. that man is a fraud.
This place is like batting practice with tomatoes.
The mattress in the guest room was perfectly fine until I had to sleep on it once.
Siri, make me pancakes.
You have a Blackberry, Linda. Go home, Linda, you’re drunk.
Being held for questioning sounds more romantic than it is
This could be the Alcohol talking but….
OMG you guys! The ALCOHOL is TALKING!
[staff meeting]
Boss: Does anyone have any questions?
Me: *raises hand*
Boss: Candy
Me: Does anyone care if I take the last blueberry muffin?
Movie Law:
All computer hackers have to say “We’re in” when they get into “the system”
The basketball shot clock was invented in 1954 after a player hid the ball under his shirt for 48 minutes and told everyone he was pregnant.
Finally, a door that understands me
According to this grocery list I’ve written on my hand, I’ve invented a new language.
4yo: *Tells 20 minute story*
Me: *Fully listens to the whole thing*
4yo: *Starts telling it again*
Me: *Dies*
“She wears short skirts, I wear t-shirts.”
-Romans 1:15
*phone rings*
Menacing voice: ‘Have you checked the children?’
Me: ‘Could you do it?’
It’s my house, and I will sleep on the couch if she wants!
Cilantro tastes like soap.
– People who eat soap, apparently
My wife claims watching me do karate “isn’t foreplay.” Why am I even alive.
cutting bell peppers and adding googly eyes is bound to heal your soul a little, give it a try
Frontier flight attendant: Sir, I regret to inform you that we are going to have to cancel this flight.
*hands me a parachute*
ME: you know what they say, curiosity killed the cat
CAT: that’s awful why would they say that?
ME: really?
CAT: *dies*
The bad news: climate change threatens 1 in every 4 species with extinction.
The good news: you’re one of them.
“This shirt that the team was wearing smells disgusting. I need to find an appropriate state to name it after.”
-Inventor of the jersey
If you judge how good or bad someone is at breathing are you aspi-rating?
Whenever I read a sexual tweet I already know the “not you” is implied.
computer simulation of what the punisher skull looked like when alive
Alright white people, had to Google “totes” to find out what the hell it meant. I know one of you came up with it. Cut that shit out.
HEARTWARMING! Celebs get together to sing ‘Imagine’ and flush all their unused COVID-19 tests down the toilet