Letters from overnight camp be like:
-I am having the best time
-I hate camp I want to come home
-I never want to leave ever
-Please come get me
-Can I extend
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no no i’m not stressed i just constantly grind my teeth and clench my jaw for fun.
gonna open a bar called “well, actually” and any time someone utters that phrase they have to buy everyone in the place a round of well shots
Went to the farmers market this morning but they didn’t have any farmers I liked
Really discouraging that there’s still bald people in sci fi movies.
[me giving tour of city landmarks]
and on your left you’ll see a corgi in a bandana—he’s not part of the tour but let’s go get a closer look
Christmas Eve is good because you can shout “DON’T COME IN HERE!!!” and people assume you’re wrapping their presents, rather than just wanting to be left alone.
I’m confident that I could drink sea water if I had to. Like if I needed to, my body would just handle it. I’m not saying scientists are wrong but they don’t know me.
There is no situation where banana bread isn’t an appropriate gift. You got a promotion? Banana bread. Your dad is dead? Banana bread. You had a bad breakup? Banana bread. Aliens steal your body for experiments? BANANA BREAD.
just got mad and flipped a table but it spun all the way around in landed right side up. everyone in Applebee’s is clapping
Haters gonna hate.
Procrastinaters gonna … get back to you on that tomorrow…
okay but exactly how dangerous are these ducks?
Why do people say “get well soon”?
Why don’t you want me to get well now?
If my dog knew how many photos I have of him sleeping, he’d file a restraining order against me.
*sees lost cat*
Hey buddy you lost
*reads tag*
there’s a phone number
*dials number*
*little cell phone in cats pocket starts ringing*
Midwest trash talk
Whoever invented the phrase “to cut a long story short…” sure as shit wasn’t 8 years old
Do you ever feel like you’re a white shirt and life is a leaky burrito?
Me: I think this is going pretty well.
Date: You dropped a chicken wing down your shirt and yelled ‘chicken breast!’
Me: *mouth full of pasta* mm-hmm
‘Two can play that game…’
-people who dont understand that’s how games usually work
Saw a guy with two sheathed machetes walking through a Winco once, like he thought he was gonna have to Mortal Kombat his way into getting a 24-pack of Orange Shasta
I know restaurants have to make a living but a pet hate is “extra toppings: £2.30!” and then it’s clearly one anchovy or half an olive spread around the pizza
Welcome to your 40s, being amazing in bed now is just not waking up your partner with your snoring.
Meanwhile, at School:
Teacher- “How much is a gram?”
Laure- “Depends on what you want”
Teacher- “Out, just get out”
#YouOwnedHimDude
My teen said she wants to go to the mall with me so we can spend time together, and then the credit cards in my purse laughed and laughed.
Here’s a fun number: 8
After months of testing, 8 is the number of whiskey sours I can have before my online students begin to notice that I am losing consciousness.
Misery loves company,
and apparently that’s why my parents invite me over every Thanksgiving weekend.
did you get the job?
“i don’t know yet”
when will they tell you?
interviewer: “keith can you please ask your mum to wait in reception”
You want me to work for exposure? The thing that killed Marie Curie?
The difference between HOA & HORTA is one’s a lava monster that will melt your face & the other’s from Star Trek.