genie: u can’t have unlimited wishes
me: i wish for unlimited genies
genie: son of a
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A lemonade stand is a good way to teach your kids the value of someone giving you money because they feel sorry for you.
“Don’t put all your eggs in one basket” is just a line fed to us by Big Basket.
I wonder if people who live on the sun are just as excited about the eclipse as those on earth..
a baby will be picky about food but gladly eat an airplane.
Probably the best newspaper correction ever
#BritishSausageWeek
You don’t scare me. You’re not an omelette I’m about to flip.
I’m at my most athletic when I’m running up stadium stairs to buy another beer.
[having a discussion]
BF: don’t make me keep talking I will only make it worse
A dog walks into a bar. Then a bank. Then the dry cleaners. This is a dog world. Way to be productive, dog. Try to do the bar last next time
My mother keeps saying my boyfriend seems like someone who’d be really good with children. Except, she’s never seen him interact with children. She’s only seen him interact with me. So idk where that impression comes from…
ad for vacations:
how would you like to feel extremely tired somewhere else
I wonder how much time Han Solo spent just brushing Chewie’s fur and talking about their aspirations
How long does Chewbacca take to shampoo his hair?
Ugh, my stomach is killing me. I wonder if eating this chocolate cross left over from Easter will help?
One of my sons says he likes my new haircut, and the other will have to twirl a sign outside a Mattress Firm to pay for college, I guess.
I’ve touched enough cacti to know they are sharp but also not enough to stop touching cacti.
*leaves work early and pulls in to seedy 4 hours stay motel on the highway. Looks around to make sure no one sees*
Me: This is going to be so great.
*sleeps for 4 hours*
*hires sky writer to propose to psychic girlfriend*
WILL YOU MARRY ME
*2nd planes flies by 5 seconds later*
HELL NO
Caesar: Et tu, Brute?
Brutus: We told you not to wear Crocs.
An app that scans phone lines for fax machines and sends the word “why”.
I’m running out of lies to tell in confessional but it’s the only place I can sit in silence away from my kids.
6-year-old: Can I have some Oreos?
Me: You have the flu.
6: I’m sick, not dead.
I haven’t been to France, but I saw Ratatouille, so I get it
*Standing in my shower*
I wasn’t being attacked, I was just really trying to hit that Mariah Carey note, officer.
FRIEND: Thanks for letting me stay here while I’m in town
ME: No problem
FRIEND: Do u have a Waffle House nearby?
ME: No they’re all wood
They say a lot of people put their birth year in their email address. In other news, there are a lot of men born in ’69.
Caller: my dog ate chocolate! my girlfriend’s gonna kill me! I’m a dead man, a dead man!
911: calm down, sir. let’s focus on the dog
Caller: oh he’s fine.
911: but you said…
Caller: chocolate was my girlfriend’s cat
Take me down to Vatican City where the church loves greed and the Pope’s all quitty!
– Nuns N’ Moses
(I’m so sorry)
lol sometimes I-
[a mum] “yeah well TRY HAVING KIDS”