Good thing Brazil won…otherwise I’m pretty sure they would’ve just cancelled the rest of the World Cup.
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“Do you need help with your math homework Billy?”
“Yeah I sure do Dad!”
“Well you’re shit out of luck”
genie: [unloading my dishwasher] this is ridiculous
I’m aging like an avocado. By the time I finally noticed my prime it was too late.
GOD: I will send you to Earth to be a martyr.
JESUS: What’s a martyr?
GOD: Not much, what’s a martyr with you?
My therapist says my little dragon friend isn’t real. But, my little dragon friend says my therapist isn’t real, and I’ve known her longer.
Stubbed my toe leaving the hospital. Called my doctor complaining of a painful discharge.
Me, watching Stranger Things: these scientists, these fools, play not a god who rends our world in twain.
Me, in real life, if scientists discovered a portal to another dimension: *slamming fists on table* OPEN IT, OPEN IT, OPEN IT, OPEN IT
No, YOU didn’t tighten the cap on my urine sample
[foreplay]
her: [seductively] whisper something sexy in my ear
me: [leans in] pizza
Officer, this ticket says 1:59 am, but thanks to daylight savings, it’s now 1:00. So slow down, TimeCop, I haven’t committed the crime yet.
Eight months since I had laser eye surgery. Still no lasers.
[picking out a washing machine]
how many watermelons can this hold?
“uhh I dunno, 11?”
only 11?
*keeps walking to next one*
how many waterme
Hell, YES, I work out. Somebody has to support the ibuprofen industry.
WAITER: how was everything
ME: [rubbing belly] so delicious. thank u
WAITER: great. please stop rubbing my belly
I like that in The Little Mermaid, Ariel & King Triton wouldn’t violate a contractual obligation, but they murdered Ursula with a ship.
I waved to a man because I thought he waved at me.
Apparently he waved to an other woman. So to get out of the awkward situation I kept my hand up and a taxi pulled over and drove me to the airport. I am now in Poland starting a new life.
Apparently nothing offends a toddler more than suggesting they might be due for a nap.
The Discovery Channel should be on a different channel every day
Beware…..
greatest 45 seconds in cinematic history
Covid eyebrows: I pet them, comb them and sometimes ask my daughter to braid them…
Getting pretty tired of Vin Diesel hopping into the passenger seat yelling “PUNCH IT” when I am just trying to eat my lunch alone in my car
Friendly reminder that Noah brought two bedbugs on the ark and is in no way a hero
To: ALL STAFF
Subject: FW: RE: RE: FW: FW: FW: RE: RE: FW: RE: RE: FW: FW: How to Effectively Use the E-Mail Subject Line
Note to self: Take Mila Kunis picture off of vacuum before taking it in for service next time.
my ex boyfriend’s cousin’s girlfriend just followed me from her alt Instagram account . I’ve still got the juice 😎
guys I’m going home
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
How can I be too drunk to get on this plane? I’m not flying it.
am i anxious? yes. but is that going to stop me from doing things i love? also yes