WIFE: we’ve be ME: er
WIFE: married so l ME: ar panels
WIFE: we com ME: puter
WIFE: each o ME: ctopus
WIFE: sen ME: ta claus
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I think my neighbor is trying to domesticate a coyote.
Have you seen that ad where a Google Pixel owner talks about the phone automatically contacting emergency services after his car accident?
You know somebody is going to hit a telephone pole deliberately just to test that out.
[picks up date]
*slides over hood of car* *slides off car onto another car* *slides off that one onto another car* *date looks at her watch*
[runs to the door to greet wife]
I’m afraid there’s been a terrible accident involving all the things you asked me to do today.
Holy shit, there are some disgusting perverts on here… but enough about me.
My dad is a legend at hide and seek. One time I needed mom’s help to find him. He was hiding at a motel with a strange lady.
My chiropractor is a crack addict.
I took my 4-year-old to a children’s museum and they switched up the little grocery store. My 4-year-old was not happy. She turned into a 40-year-old woman shopping at her grocery store real quick, “why is everything different? I don’t like it!”
A large group of other people’s children is called a “Nope”.
I tried to sell something for $69 on Facebook, and I guess that’s some kind of code because 3 people asked for my phone number and none of them wanted my old chair.
“Taking candy from a baby” would actually be a responsible thing to do.
[first stakeout]
Cop: you seem disappointed
Me: *hiding my A1 sauce* no, it’s fine
*House Hunters
“Greg and Tina have been looking for months. She needs a house that ‘flows,’ and now he longs for the sweet relief of death. Can they both get what they want?”
Stop blaming lazy people!
They didn’t do anything
i for one absolutely hate and can’t stand it when the crab next to me in this bucket full of crabs (i too am a crab) climbs over me when i am trying to in fact climb over THEM
Keeping an extra close eye on 7 since she said that The Grinch is good at everything after she watched him spin his head around
I woke up to my wife fluttering her eyelashes at me.
I said, “Ok, what do you want?”
She said, “I want you to turn the ceiling fan down.”
Stress balls work better if you have good aim.
I made a huge to do list for today. I just can’t figure out who’s going to do it.
Me: No, you hang up first
Pizza Hut: *click*
I refuse to listen to anyone give commentary on the state of society unless it’s in a Tiktok video filmed inside their car
*makes graveyard even scarier by carving all the tombstones into shark fins*
Husband: Why is there a bucket on the roof?
6yo: what bucket? An orange bucket? I definitely wasn’t playing with an Orange bucket.
Husband: I never mentioned the color. 🧐And this, kids, is why we don’t talk to the police without a lawyer present 🤣
Has a coffee at 3:26 so I’m wide awake before the birds start their shit at 4:00.
I predict that Obama’s next move is to threaten to hold his breath until Russia leaves the Crimea.
Apparently, you can only say “Look at you! You got so big!” to kids.
Old girlfriends tend to get offended.
Who knew?
me: check out that beach body
other forensic detective: stop calling it that
I may mix up my idioms but I know one thing: You can’t throw a book by its cover.
Look on the bright side, parents. At least you have an excuse not to take your kid to Chuck E. Cheese’s now.
therapist: so, what do you say when she says that
me: you sound like your mom
therapist: 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️