[recording studio]
me: [into microphone] studio
sound engineer: nice [takes off headphones] i think we got it
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If you see a girl crying, a nice thing to do is show your compassionate side and ask if it’s because of her haircut.
*An elf cop pulls Frodo riding an ent over*
Elf Cop: Where ya going?
Frodo: To throw a ring into a volcano!
EC: Step out of the treehicle
them: do you think about other people when you have sex
me: when I have what now
Now that I’m on Twitter, I can finally put that English degree I obtained to some use…
[toddlers, ordering in a restaurant] “garçon! your freshest fish crackers, for the lady, and for me – the sauce of one apple.”
i love when dog owners are like “our dog is very food-motivated!” like yeah. it’s a dog
Dogs have dandruff and cats have dandmeow. Hi, I’m single.
“That seems like a you problem” was my favorite comeback until my 5 yo said it to me
Obviously the Asian gentleman I saw flush the urinal with a karate kick doesn’t mind perpetuating stereotypes.
A new Ocean’s 13 but it’s me assembling a team of highly skilled thieves to help break my kid’s toys out of their packages
Him: My friend got me a Fitbit
Me: Oh yeah, heard of them, haven’t got one though
Him: You can buy them online
Me *whispering* you can buy friends online?!
if you ever see me shirtless, galloping past you majestically on horseback, call an ambulance because i don’t know what i’m doing
Everyone wants a wild, obsessive love until it parks on their lawn and sets up a tent next to the shrubbery.
[creating flamingos]
god: here’s your legs
flamingo: can I just have 1
god: no u have to use 2
flamingo: [narrows eyes & sucks teeth] we’ll see about that
ORANGUTAN ADOPTS THREE TIGER BABIES
Your car took up two spaces, I tried to move it over with my key.
Boss: Did you get my email?
Me: Yes. It had italics, all-caps, and highlighting and I had no idea how to prioritize that information.
Why’s everyone wearing green today. did the Hulk die or something
I’m watching TV with close captioning on for the same reason a lot of people of a certain age do, because I’m eating chips.
I want a pet otter just so I can introduce it as my otter half.
GIVE ME FUEL GIVE ME FIRE GIVE ME MILK THAT’S NOT EXPIRED
#rubbishjokes
What’s black and white and makes a lot of noise?A panda with a set of drums.
Netflix would be by far the best dating site. “Here are 9 other singles in your area who have also watched Pokemon for 12 straight hrs”
You say tired, I say challenge.
-A toddler at bedtime.
An hour of interrogation later and the cat still has not revealed the location of the 4 missing puzzle pieces
I was so busy yesterday, my smart phone had 75% battery left at the end of the day.
Waiter: how would you like your steak cooked
Me: preferably over some type of heat source
Last minute gift idea:
Give someone a bucket of water and tell them your sorry their ice sculpture melted
[creation of kangaroo]
God: give that bouncy dog a fanny pack
Angel: *hands bouncy dog a fanny pack*
God: no no like build it into its stomach hahaha
Angel: again with this shit
garlic bread in the oven for 20 minutes:
still needs to bake11 seconds later:
it’s garlic dust now.