Mouse astronaut, six seconds after setting foot on the moon: I have been lied to
You Might Also Like
I’ve got all my ducks in a row but these chickens have no concept of symmetry.
Some things you recycle, some you throw away. For example: Paper & plastic you recycle. Opportunities, love and your future you throw away.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who asked for oatmeal and you have the audacity to give them oatmeal.
Hand-sanitizer gives you that clean, my hands are still dirty, feeling.
Apparently it was wrong of me to tell the aunt who said that I’ve gotten ‘big’ since 2019 that she’s also gotten ‘bigger’ since I saw her in 2019.
My husband annoyed me last night so I adjusted the toaster settings slightly this morning.
I bet Morgan Freeman’s book reports were epic.
I’ll never be as smart as I am in the shower.
don’t we all
DAD: wat am i chopped liver
CHOPPED LIVER: [in this joke imagine choped liver is a sentiemt being] wat the hell is that suposed to mean phil
No Linda, I CAN’T believe how early it’s getting dark. After 4 billion years of this happening I was sure this would be the year it didn’t.
Earth was the first world I created. It has all kinds of problems. #firstworldproblems
A career website for plumbers called sinkedin
If I had $5 (inflation) every single time an older woman started the “I’m his wife, we’ve been married x amount of years, you can talk to me” fight, I’d have enough money to buy this app and give it it’s old name back.
Pretty sure this is the only account you need right now➡️@thefunnytweeter
Putting some of my hairs on the cat, just to even things out.
Loving would be easy
if your colours were like my dre
(driving in a bad neighborhood)
me: *slowly locks my door*
murderer in backseat: *slowly locks their door*
Crazy how holidays change as you get older. Like almost nobody wants to unwrap teeth for Christmas anymore
A lemonade stand is a good way to teach your kids the value of someone giving you money because they feel sorry for you.
Therapy: Expensive
saying “ew” out loud to anything or anyone that opposes you: Free
When it comes to eating sandwiches, I am the anticrust.
me: so there’s nothing you can do to help?
doctor: no, you’re just going to have to live with it I’m afraid
me: [takes baby] ugh fine
A priest, a pastor and a rabbit entered a clinic to donate blood. The nurse asked the rabbit: “what’s your blood type?”
“I’m probably a type O”, said the rabbit.
me: how can I impress my date
friend: buy her dinner
me: ok
[later at the restaurant]
her: what?me: I said how much do you want for your burger?
[Tinder guy takes off his glasses for the date]
Lois Lane: wtf you look nothing like your profile pic
No no, I’m not going to pay for these hot wings, I discovered them and you JUST GOT COLUMBUSED
If anyone wants a more cost effective energy provider, I can supply endless energy on tap from my absolutely not tired child at bedtime.
I had a cat and a Beta fish once. Then I left my apartment for a minute. After that I had a cat.
[FIRST DATE]
Me, opening mouth seductively: “And this is where I burned my tongue on pizza, and this is where I burned my tongue on fries, a