Answer my phone? No thanks.
I’ve seen what happens to Liam Neeson.
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You’ll never know how creative you really are until you need to start lying to your kids.
Just had lunch with my 3rd grader at her school. She got embarrassed when I tried to kiss her. So, like any good mom, I started twerking.
You’re not a mistake.
Mistakes can be fixed.You’re hopeless.
Whenever someone doesn’t text me back, I just assume we’re in a fight that I wasn’t aware of.
INTERVIEWER: u put “whiskey” as a reference?
ME: ope i thought it said preference
I’m so bad at making decisions that whenever I hit a yellow light I scream, open my car door and throw myself out
I once taught an 8 am college class. So many grandparents died that semester. I then moved my class to 3 pm. No more deaths. And that, my friends, is how I save lives.
(Age 22)
*chugs bottle of water*
Let’s shoot some more hoops!(Age 42)
*chugs bottle of water*
I gotta pee.
I’m getting birthday cake because it’s someone’s birthday somewhere
If you stand by and watch someone wreck their life, you’re part of the problem
And yet we all still go to weddings for the open bar
Ladies, have you ever slept with a man because he has a big fish that he caught in his profile picture?
Love that ‘beat the number’ electronic sign speed game!
So fun when the officer celebrates your high score with the lights & a certificate!
I try not to drink in the office because if the boss finds out he may ask me to share
Parent/Child conversation tweets are always so cute & sweet!
Thought I’d try one:
18: Can I borrow the car?
Me: NoWasn’t that adorable?!
teacher: where is your assignment?
me: my dog ate it-
[i see my dog standing outside the classroom window. he draws a line across his throat]
me: i mean there was a fire. a homework fire.
My kid force-fed me popcorn so I had to act like I hated it, but it was secretly amazing
-Knock Knock!
-Who is it?
-The love of your life.
– 🙂 Really?
-Hahahaha no, it’s the pizza you ordered.
I was living with this woman for almost 6 years.
Then she noticed.
me: whatcha guys watching?
10: oh this old timey dinosaur movie
The Land before time. They were watching… The land before time…
Just got fired from my job as a set designer. I left without making a scene.
Romantic movies taught me that you always have to walk out after a big argument so that 6yrs later you can meet by chance and get married.
Me: *Spitting out teeth*
Her: Omg what happened?
Me: I ate too many of them
My wife told me to get a real job or pack my bags!
What an idiot! Who threatens someone with a vacation???
I always carry a jellyfish in case I need to pee on someone.
I bet Columbus was super pissed when he rolled up in the Santa María only to find Dora had already explored America.
[15mins into yard work]
my body: yeah… no.
3 yr old: Grandpa, did your parents name you grandpa?
we don’t give my son hot dogs not because they’re unhealthy, because he eats them with jelly & the judgement in public is too much
I helped my kids clean under their beds & we found 37 sticks, 15 rocks & their long-lost brother.
Kurt Cobain did not die for you to wear his t-shirt to an Imagine Dragons concert