The most unbelievable song lyric of all-time is a woman saying “it’s raining men” and another woman following-up with “hallelujah!”
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The gym is completely deserted. It’s normally packed on January 1st. Is it finally the year we all give up? Why didn’t someone tell me? I jogged here.
Who called it America and not the fast food and the furious?
interviewer: where do you see yourself in five years
me: you handing me an nda and a big pay out to walk away
Are we there yet?…
A dating app called “Hinder” where some guy shows up in the middle of every date and ruins everything.
“We need a new deck.”
“Why?”
“Take a guess.”
“Charlie ate all the threes again?”
“Charlie ate all the threes again.”
I have one of those metal briefcases handcuffed to my wrist and inside…my grandmother’s meatloaf recipe.
[Chris Hemsworth posts 85 videos of him working out hard, eating right, and looking amazing]
Me: must be good genetics
[getting arrested after heist]
Boss: What happened? You were supposed to be on lookout
Me: *flashback to me sending invites on outlook* you’re not gonna believe this
Professor X: What’s your power?
Me: I can turn ice into cats.
Professor X: That’s ridiculous.
Police: [busting in] You’re all under arrest!
Me: I got this!
Polecats: Sonofa…
The first rule of Nun Club is “no dirty habits.”
stand with me against insufficient seating
8 just said we should get her mom “something to do with napping” for christmas “because she likes napping” and I’m not sure I’ll be able to protect her through this
HER: i can’t be with a guy who thinks he’s Optimus Prime
ME: i can change, Becky
HER:
ME: into a semi truck
7-year-old: I won breakfast!
Me: You can’t win breakfast. You just eat it.
7: Said the loser.
never compromise your values
They say kill ’em with kindness but it’s much quicker if you just take their phone charger away.
[cat clinic]
CAT: I have insomnia
DR. CAT: How bad is it?
CAT: I haven’t slept in 20 minutes
DR. CAT: *is napping*
Sorry, guy outside grocery store with a heavy bag and one arm in a sling, but I can’t help you. Ted Bundy ruined that for everyone.
I’m young, but not “know exactly why I came into this room” young.
Hey did you guys hear me do that pushup?
[First day as Narrator]
Me: So, I just say the opposite of what the speaker said? I can handle that.
Narrator Trainer: But he could not.
Going to a wedding this weekend. Can’t decide if I want to sit on the bride’s side or groom’s side because that’s basically choosing who I will represent in their future divorce. No pressure.
My wife puts her pants on just like everyone else, but when she gets one leg in I push her over while she’s off balance.
Once my school teacher lectured me for unacceptable behaviour. That’s 30 mins of sleep I am never getting back
Don’t count the days. Make the days count. Make the months do subtraction. Make the weeks recite the alphabet
Gyms are open !
Just finished an intense workout session! (sitting in a gym judging one person for the past 2 hours)
Pollen count so high, junkies are trying to uncook their meth back to Sudafed.
[10mins from now]
..& just like that North Korea was removed from history & got nuked by every country on Earth for bringing down Twitter..