Me: We spend a lot of time together.
Her: Turn left.
Me: Just think we should take this to the next level.
Her: Arriving at destination.
You Might Also Like
Quarantine Day 26
Puts pictures of mom all around the house and runs with scissors laughing maniacally
I need you guys to take my phone away from me. It’ll probably take a couple of you to do it. I’m a biter.
Therapist: What if you didn’t constantly hammer away at yourself in your head?
Me: Lol I know right
Therapist: For real though
Me: Can you imagine haha
Therapist: No. I am making an actual suggestion
Me: Wait, that’s an option?
Don’t ask questions you don’t want the answers to like asking your toddler what’s in his pocket
[friend asks me to read an article]
brain: “am i taking too long? im not even reading it now. oh god”
me: [hands it back] “very interesting”
me: how should i tell my kids they’re adopted?
kid: not like this
Doing LEGO with my son is like assisting during surgery.
6yo: Flat gray piece.
Me: Here.
6: 5 square red blocks.
M: Here.
6: I said RED!
Women on twitter tell me my beard is hot
Women in real life tell me where I can find food and shelter .
How come NASA sending their black hole to everyone is “Breaking News,” but me sending mine is an “HR violation?”
Earth reviews
⭐☆☆☆☆
“The landscape is memorable but the human inhabitants are all shit”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“They do amazing things with potatoes”
Hubby: You were grumpy yesterday.
Me: So, you’re grumpy every day.
Hubby: At least I’m consistent.
The twins brought in significantly less candy than I purchased. Running Halloween at a deficit is simply not acceptable.
[interview to be a spy]
interviewer: so tell me why you’re hereme: no
interviewer: very good
20s: break dances in bar with traffic cone on head
30s: tries to walk in heels without breaking ankle
40s: yawns too hard and breaks rib
Living your life to the fullest does not have to involve selfies with bison.
you’re legally allowed to steal anything from the doctor’s office if they leave you alone in the room for a minute
Do not worry.
I will take your secrets to my grave.
But, oh, how crowded it will be in the coffin.
I’m at a hockey game and the players weren’t really trying but then a guy 5 rows up yelled “come on” and then they tried harder.
The people who came up with all these different rules for pluralization are bunch of peni.
My friend got a tattoo of his wife’s name so I guess he loves her as much as he loves barbed wire.
Me: I bumped into your Grandpa earlier
Wife: My grandpa has been buried in the graveyard for 10 years
Me: My driving test went really badly
HER: What’re you most afraid of?
ME: *thinking of how terrible it would be if my dog laid eggs that hatched into cats* Losing you, babe.
this spot reserved for good ol boys that know how to smoke a brisket
The only reason I’d want to go to heaven is to speak to the manager.
Me: To the window; to the wall.
Realtor: Just to be clear we are discussing your house showing.
A large group of other people’s children is called a “Nope”.
“Will you stop CHOKING?”
First Aid in my house, apparently.
Me: What’s your favourite book?
Her: Well, I love 1984
Me: Ok, but just choose one.
Gary was no plumber but applying the knowledge acquired from previous experience he quickly fixes the leak by just leaving a bowl under it.