[describing criminal to sketch artist]
Me: his voice was much deeper than that. He had the chin of a man who had recently lost his watch
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4-year-old: Are goats real?
Me: Of course they are. I can show you some if you want.
4: *runs away*
Apparently she was saying “ghosts.”
You won’t find his name in the history books, but my dad piloted many of NASA’s early experimental cafeteria test salad programs—a number of which introduced some pretty radical salad-propulsion designs for the time.
My favorite self defense technique is to not let someone draw me into a fight.
No thanks, fantasy football. I already have a fantasy boyfriend, a fantasy sex life & a fantasy bank account.
I’m good.
Me: So, hypothetically speaking, if we were dating would I get any free food?
Her: Uh, excuse me?
Me: *sigh* #1 combo with cheese, please.
I told my mum at dinner that my daughter was talking in a made up language and my mum said all languages are made up and I dropped a potato
I don’t think my wife realizes that the FREE SEX coupons I gave her last Valentine’s Day are about to expire.
“Vintage designer purses are not a retirement plan,” says my accountant while rubbing his temples.
we went from november 1 to november 15 in just 3 minutes
Elliott didn’t care about E.T. He just wanted a flying bike.
Me: School starts in a few days.
7-year-old: Not if you can’t find me.
Started a deadly new feud with my chiropractor midway through neck treatment and will now have to spend the rest of my life looking over my shoulder.
caterpillar: *walks*
snake: okay what
caterpillar: *grows wings*
snake: OKAY WHAT
i was just roughed up by a hipster bully. he gave me a knuckle sandwich, but also offered a gluten free alternative
My doctor had to put me on a new medication that’s supposed to help lower the amount of karate in my blood
You might be “street-smart” but you’re “everywhere-else-stupid”.
Him: how did your duel with your nemesis go?
Me: *kicks stone* we were approaching each other from a distance and I drew my sword too early and had to hold it out for ages like a doofus
when I was 8 i stayed for dinner at a friend’s house and at dinner his Mom asked how everyone’s day was and his Dad said ‘A corpse exploded in the van again, got some in Gary’s hair too.’ His Dad was a Funeral Director and i was not allowed to have dinner there anymore.
[speed dating]
*girl sits down*
“hi im melan-
QUICK A ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE HAPPENS WHAT WEAPON DO YOU USE
“wha-
CORRECT ANSWER WAS KATANA. NEXT
Me: So are we putting the soy milk with an expiration date of October 31, 2021 back in the fridge or…
Wife: No it’s ok it’s only the ‘best by’ date
it’s always sad when you have to take your sick goldfish out to the pasture and shoot it in the head.
The global energy crisis could be solved if only we could harness the power of my wife slamming my car door.
The fall of Netflix
My right eye is twitching like it’s at some kind of techno dance party that the rest of me wasn’t invited to.
Woman: I love a man with an accent
Mán: Well hello there
God: [creating Guy Feiri, but runs out of human heads] “A pineapple it is then.”
I think tonight while my wife is asleep I’m going to pull on the satin ribbon she’s worn around her neck ever since the day I met her. What’s the worst that could happen. One lil tug
Always use a fish knife when eating fish, a tomato knife when eating tomato, and a Swiss Army knife when eating a member of the Swiss army.
The year is 2045. Favstar Bot 32 becomes self aware and deletes our top tweets.
[trying to impress my date] order whatever u want
her: i’ll have the lobster
waiter: [noticing i am pointing a gun at him under the table] we uh. we don’t have lobster