FRIEND: [over the phone] Do you think the quarantine has changed you?
ME: [knitting a dress for the raccoons in my backyard] No
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*entire building at my work loses power*
*I run all the way to Linda’s office*
Remember when you said light up shoes were a dumb idea?
*At a clothing store*
Worker: Do you need any help sir?
Me: *Mixes “No, I’m good” & “No, I’m just looking”*Me:”No, I’m just good looking”
Unfortunately, I cannot marry my high school sweetheart bc the state does not recognize a union between a woman and a Legolas poster.
I’ve quit my new job as a postman…..
…..they handed me my first letter to deliver, I looked at it and thought:
“This isn’t for me.”
Son: have you checked the chicken? Is it ok?
Me:*opens oven door* you ok in there? Not too hot for you is it?
My grandmother is a shining example of how you can live until 90 years of age, sustained by nothing but spite and biscuits.
Me: your snowman can look however you like sweetheart
2: *sticks arms in snowman’s head*
Me: not like that
There are certain people who assume that I’m intelligent.
These people aren’t aware that I cannot tear off perforated paper.
doctor: get ready to say “aaah”
me: why are we on the roof
If he marries someone else, raises a family, and leads a very fulfilling life, maybe he’s just not that into you.
To the boy who proposed to me in elementary school: can we talk about this once more?
BREAKING: Justin Bieber expresses interest in being baptized. Over 4 million people volunteer to hold his head under water.
Kids are easy to care for until they learn to roll over. After that you’re never
sure what they’re up to for the rest of their lives.
Of all the things to lose why couldn’t it have been my appetite and not my mind
*pours milk over bowl of Doritos for breakfast*
You can make anything sound British if you add the word “force” after the first word.
Eg:
Guitar force
Tea time force
Biscuit force
Football force
Just looked at a beautiful pink sunset and thought, “God I love London”, then remembered there is a sky everywhere and I’m paying half my salary to sleep 2 feet from my drying clothes
Protip: If your wife asks you “When are you going to clean that up?” never respond with “I was waiting for someone else to do it.”
the year is 2042. a man is fired for doing “the robot” in a mixed crowd of humans and androids at the company xmas party.
Saw a bird at my feeder shit on another bird’s head and that bird just kept right on eating. I’ve never before felt this close to nature.
I’ve been battered by seafood puns
oh my cod
CLERK: That’ll be 95 cents.
ME: Here’s a dollar.
CLERK: Nickel back?
ME: God, no.
him: hi, I’m Tom
me: nice to meet you uhh…
my brain: cmon he literally just said his name 3 seconds ago
me: m…mom
Just ghostbustered some flies with the vacuum – hope you idiots like legos
my 4yo daughter has 2 older brothers and removes remote control batteries after selecting her program & volume so good luck fellas
Him: When I break something, I fix it… you should try this sometime.
Me: Uhhh I take the kids to therapy thank you very much.
Was driving to a doctor’s appointment and ended up at my favorite donut shop so life does find a way
I’m proud of my age even if my birth certificate was carved in stone.
Friend: Are you free this weekend?
Me: That’s not how this works. First you tell me what you had in mind and then I respond with either a “yeah” or a dishonest excuse
[1st date]
Him: We share perfect chemistry!
Me: *but all I hear is the word “share” as I create a fortress around my nachos with my hands*