When some crows unintentionally come together to form a group, that’s called a manslaughter.
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Harder!
Faster!
A little to the left.
Yeah, that’s the spot.Me, watching my husband scrub the shower.
Carpenters are only in it for them shelves.
OKAY DAD
Don’t cry because it’s over. Cry because you’re just a head in a jar in some science lab.
Why stop at clocks? I set my stapler forward an hour too. Told my shoes it’s Tuesday. My car still thinks it’s 1987.
Me: “Come here” is spelled C-O-M-E not C-U-M
My kid: Does it really matter how I spell it?
Me: Yes!
Me: You ate radishes.
Friend: How can you tell?
Me: You’re burping them.
F: They were really good radishes.
Me: Not from where I’m standing.
I really love sarcasm.
It’s like punching people in the face but with words.
guy who came to check out what’s making noises in my attic told me it’s “one of the creepiest attics [he’s] ever seen.” not something you want to hear from a person whose job involves seeing a lot of attics
Wild horses could easily drag me away.
In fact, a pair of determined guinea pigs could probably give me a run for my money.
No one wants to feel like an obligation. Either commit to them or leave.
911: Ma’am the emails are coming from your garden! Get out of the yard now!! A botanist is on the way!
Spinach: *laughs maniacally*
Any family visit eventually has the Agatha Christie detective moment where someone explains at length whose fault it is everyone has a cold.
Oysters are an aphrodisiac because they figure if you swallow that, you’ll swallow anything
Don’t tell a lactose intolerant girl you’ll “rearrange her guts” you’re not doing anything to her a glass of milk can’t do
[Starbucks]
What can I get you?I’ll have a large coffee, black
“You don’t have to say black”
I’ll have a large coffee, African American
If you don’t like someone, set them free. If they come back, use pepper spray.
I have this theory that if I use cash money to pay for food I’m not actually spending my money because it doesn’t decrease the number in my bank account.. I realize that this is inaccurate, but I will continue to think this way so that I feel better about my poor life decisions
If you don’t let me in the bathroom, I can’t guarantee your safety when you pee.
~dogs, apparently
Me: *leaving flowers* We miss you Auntie Anne
Cashier: Sir, this is a pretzel stand
Me: I know but her actual grave is like, really far away
I don’t use commas in my tweets I am a rebel without a pause
My gym shut down but a pizza place opened in its spot so my visits have remained pretty consistent
I keep my wine glasses on the top shelf to make sure I stretch daily.
I can’t believe I gave up my best sleeping years to raise children.
shout out to the insomniacs, only three more sleeps until halloween
witch: what do u need?
me: a spell to make my dad proud
dad: *rips off witch mask* always looking for a shortcut unbelievable
If you hold a baby up to a light and don’t see the security strip it’s a fake baby
I stopped writing poetry when I realized their only value was to threaten to read them to people if they didn’t do what I wanted.
😂😂😂😂😂😂
I propose we rename our seasons:
• Blizzard
• Flood
• Oven
• Kinda Nice For A Bit