Cult Leader: Our god must be appeased
Me: Maybe he’d like to be acarroted instead
Cult Leader: …
Wife: Omg I can’t take you anywhere
You Might Also Like
doctor: what seems to be the problem?
t-rex: I cant feel my legs
Customer: can I pay with my phone?
Me: no we need dollars
[showing baby to friends]
“Aw, he looks like his dad!”
Wife [trying to hold back tears]: they say there’s nothing they can do
Did you know that if you drop and break a piece of folk art, it just turns into more folk art?
I wonder if the woman sitting in front of me at this game knows I can see every sexy text she sends her man as she sits close beside her other man.
*in the restaurant, i watch a baby cry for ten minutes until i walk over, put my hands on the parent’s shoulders & whisper*
does your baby have jury duty tomorrow, too?
Child: [eating cereal]
Me [looking at table]: WOW. Not a single piece of cereal spilled on the table?! Nice job.
Child: Thank you.
Me [taking a step]: *crunch*
Child:
Me: There it is.
The only thing I’ve ever dropped at midnight is my standards.
Buying a girl drinks at the bar is played out. You gotta send a pizza & a basket of wings to her table
Wife: *looking at three baskets full of my clothes* You need to do laundry.
Me: No, two of those are clean.
Him: I’m drawn to winged creatures.
Me: *bats eyelashes, cocks head, makes duck lips*
It should be: “COVID-19 declared a pandemic by WHOM.”
Turns out that the half-acre I bought is in an active tectonic zone. I’m on shaky ground here folks. I have a lot on my plate and it’s all my fault.
Her: You have selective hearing. You never hear criticism and only hear things that make you look good.
Me: Thanks, you look good too.
I think my abs look pretty good for a mother of 2 kids.
I don’t have kids.
March is coming in like a lamb. Slaughtered and roasted with a nice mint sauce, mashed potatoes and seasonal vegetables.
I want my 13 year old to understand how important honesty is but also know that she is 12 when kids eat free.
[inventor of green tea] what if tea didn’t make you feel awake but also tasted bad
*sees a baby screaming on the plane* wait– WAIT. WHY IS HE SCREAMING. OH MY GOD WHY IS HE SCREAMING. WHAT DOSE HE KNOW THAT WE DONT
instead of meal prepping on sundays, have u considered taking an impromptu and cost ineffective trip to the grocery store every single day of the week?
Be the reason why church doors slam shut as you walk by.
What
Meanwhile in Heaven…
Steve Jobs: [demonstrating device] You can listen to hymns, download prayers, create prayerlists, and manage your souls. I call it the iGod.
[filling out job application]
Race: Barbarian
[after my murder]
COP: Can u think why anyone would want to kill him?
WIFE: Christ yes *starts Power Point presentation* Make yourself comfy
I wake up every morning with a ball of frozen cookie dough in my mouth. I love it. I’m not even sure who puts it there. The only person who it could be is my roommate Darren (who does buy cookie dough often, but I can’t see it being him)
Sympathy for my 5 year old who has just announced he is allergic to all vegetables except chicken nuggets
Apparently, if you stop to help an armored truck broke down on the side road, they’ll mace and taser you. In that order.
me: so there’s nothing you can do to help?
doctor: no, you’re just going to have to live with it I’m afraid
me: [takes baby] ugh fine
Punish millennials by making a Three’s Company reference and forcing them to Google it or talk to an elder.