The lawn guy asks to use my bathroom. A flicker of doubt. Is it safe to have a stranger in my house? Do I put out the fancy soap?
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Bruce Willis is watching Brokeback Mountain & shaking his head. “Silly Cowboy! Thats not a horse hahaha he’s trying to ride the man bwahaha”
*alien probing me
Me: Ok a little to the left
Alien: I SAID STOP THAT
me: dating is tough, lot of weirdos out there
me on a date: so here’s everything i know about the jonestown massacre
her: have i been a bad girl?
me: *not great at dirty talk* yeah you’re a terrible person.
MAN: [having heart attack] HELP…CAN’T…MOVE
ME: Dude, are you ok?!
MAN: [faintly] CALL…ME…A…DOCTOR
ME: Oh sorry! Doctor, are you ok?!
wife: how is it outside?
me: windy. almost blew one kids hat off and some guy’s trying to figure out how to get his smart car out of a tree
Is it still ‘breakfast’ if you have had midnight snacks in four equal intervals before you woke up formally?
Im writing a parenting book called kids won’t listen until you scream like your mother did.
Phones can’t detect my thumbprint. My career as a cat burglar is about to take off.
I love you but I still wish your family would just pay the ransom.
Air conditioning – not a fan
Health Tip:
If you find a pill on the floor of a public restroom, rinse it off before taking it.
Carpenter Ants: Very industrious
Army Ants: Extra militant
Fire Ants: Drop dope AF mixtapes
I’m not a fan of camping, if I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
yall pray for me, nothing’s wrong im just in college
Some of you have never been told to ‘Leave room for the Holy Spirit’ by an old nun with a ruler while slow-dancing to Boyz 2 Men at your Grade 8 dance and it shows
It could have been love, but then I caught her putting a perfectly good steak in an air fryer.
My grasp of English, my journalism degree, and my sanity are all in question since I instructed my kids to put on “long sleeve pants” this morning
Me: Let me stay over. I’ll burn you breakfast in the morning.
Her: You mean BRING me breakfast.
Me: *pulls battery from smoke alarm* Yeah
Clay shooting is like real life Duck Hunt, right up until you swing your controller around towards the crowd and they’re all like “PUT THE GODDAMN GUN DOWN, Alison!”
God: you’re a Squid.
Squid: actually I’m a Kraken.
God: what’s a Kraken?
Squid: nothing what’s a Kraken with you? lol.
God: wa-was that an ocean pun?
Squid: maybe, did you like it : )
God:
Squid:
God: you krilled it : )
You can’t hurt me. You aren’t my GF coming back after 3 days away, only to walk past me to say hello to the dogs first.
My alphabet soup is full of typos. Go home Campbells; you’re drunk
Protect yourself from bank failures by not having any money in the first place
I got fired from the church nursery for racing the babies.
What idiot called it a pig thief and not a ham burglar?
I once accidentally broke up with a girl on a broken-down train, when I said “I don’t think this is going anywhere.”
[camping]
Him: Did you eat the last s’more?
Me: No.
Him: You’re lying.
Me: How do you know?
Him: Your pants are literally on fire.
I apply an inordinate amount of baby oil for someone who is not a bodybuilder.
An extra mozzarella stick could be the difference in a 3 star or a 5 star experience.
*me overestimating my server’s position on reviews