There are two rules in life:
1) Never give out all the information.
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Detective interviewing me about the murder of my friend: is there anyone who may have wanted to kill them ?
Me: yeah looks like it
Customer: can I get some bacon
Me: sure
Customer: can you make it fatty
Me: *holding back tears* bacon isn’t that hard to make
My 6yo is upset with my wife and I and promised to never talk to us ever again because we were both ignoring her as she was talking to us. At 6AM. While we were both still sleeping.
I did some exercise in 2010, I should be good for another few years…
It turns out condoms aren’t 100% effective, unless you actually take them out of your wallet…
I have 2 cats and 2 dogs so I feel comfortable giving parenting advice. Mostly you have to check how much protein there is in the bag before you buy them food.
[at the gym]
ME: Hey, can you spot me?
GUY: Sure, which machine?
ME: *gestures to vending machine* Right over there
Siri, tell me what these manicure ladies are saying about me.
🐕🍷
I like a baked potato because the name is the instructions.
[standing in bushes with binoculars watching neighbor who is also in bushes watching me though binoculars]
I had two mice from the local church at my door last night.
They wanted to talk to me about cheeses
[sees co-worker the next day after failing to kill him on purge night] mondays am i right?
Picked up a hitchhiker last night. He asked, “How do you know I’m not a serial killer?”
I replied, “The chances of two serial killers in one car is astronomical.”
i am yelling at all my family members right now, does anyone need someone yelled at, WILL YELL FOR FREE
[visiting Hell as a tourist]
Satan: good morning, how do you want your eggs
Me: how bout *finger guns* deviled
Satan: congratulations you get to stay here
Remember mad cow disease?
Good times.
Creepy guy at gas station: you got boyfriend?
Me: um yes. I’m married.
CG: *shrugs* your loss.
Me:
CG:
academia has you beefing with someone 3k miles away who is also one of only 4 people on earth who likes the same stuff as you
Flash mobs are so not what I thought. Now I’ve gotta go find my clothes.
Maybe don’t show me a picture if you don’t want me to rate your baby.
I think it’s funny when parents get actually mad at people for call themselves a dog mom it’s like yeah no duh it’s not the same thing people actually like their dogs
Me: What music you into?
Date: I love hip hop
Me: Yeah me too
[thinking of something to say to impress her]
Me: Soup Dogg is my cousin
I’m rubber, you’re glue. He’s scissors, she’s a toner cartridge, those fellas are paperclips. Welcome to the supply closet pal.
Guess I missed the memo on National ‘bring your camel toe to work’ day.
My trophies are a result of:
80% – pity
10% – friends who are kind
10% – random strangers whose fingers slip
7% – my superior math skills
Sure, everyone SAYS they want a painless death but when the guy shows up to give you one you start whining.
date: i love a guy who isn’t afraid to curse during sex
[later]
me: *yelling* avada kedavra
Don’t worry little groundhog, when I stick my head outside and see what’s going on in the world today I run back inside and hide too.
person: nice cheese
inventor of swiss: thanks it has pockets