We’ve got to stop looking at legumes and thinking “I could milk that”
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Teens be like, “I wanted to do that until you asked me to”.
Reading a magazine waiting at the checkout and was told, “this is not a library”, so I read it out loud.
1991: Mom gently rocks you to sleep
2024: Mom doesn’t rock you to sleep anymoreAnyone else notice this?
When I reached the border patrol checkpoint, I raised my kale smoothie & the officer immediately waved me through.
Led Zeppelin’s “In My Time Of Dying” is my favorite song about a man with a touch of a cold.
Over on that new social media site, nudes are called Threadbares
I used to have to read my kids a bedtime story every single night until I started randomly killing off characters to amuse myself.
Ordering a meat lover’s pizza is too much commitment for me. I could definitely do a meat liker’s pizza.
Or a meat “lets not ruin this by putting labels on it” pizza.
I’m excuse, what’s your drunk
olympic swim laps would get faster if they held swimming during winter olympics
I always act like I’m so much better than fantasy protagonists but lets be honest I would 100% touch the book of forbidden secrets, even if it did mean accidentally starting the war of the unclean and maybe also releasing the queen of spiders from her endless slumber
[watching Jaws]
Me: Which ones Jaws
Girlfriend: Who do u think?
Me: (noticing all of the characters so far have jaws) Idk its hard 2 tell
My 3yo, who has to have everything read aloud to him, opened a fortune cookie tonight that said, “The path to success lies in taking a bath without fussing or throwing water out of the tub and getting out nicely with no crying.” what are the ODDS
President, first day on the job: *pushing a button* Janet can you-
[two nuclear missiles launch towards Moscow]
That wasn’t the intercom.
[1st date]
[to self] Don’t let her know ur a boa constrictor
Her: “How’s your meal?”
[i’ve dislocated my jaw & swallowed the whole table]
The heaviest things in the world:
4) iron
3) lead
2) tungsten
1) a toddler who doesn’t want to be picked up
plums roundup
ME: [holding my breath]
MY BREATH: This is nice.
“If you approach a bear in the woods, lie down and play dead” – brilliant rumor started by lazy bears
“I’d tap that.”
– Morse code operatives flirting.
doctor: your parents were in a car accident
me: how are they?
doctor: they’re critical
me: I meant medically
“Time is of the essence”
Twitter: Hahaha nope
Oh, hey guys how were the bars tonight? That’s cool. In case you were wondering all of the Harry Potter movies are still really good.
*listening to music at the beach*
6yo: Dad, can you play Baby Shark?
Me: No, I don’t have that song I can’t play it.
6yo: You can play it you just don’t want to hear it so you’re lying.
Me: That is correct, yes.
There’s no such thing as a 10 second rule, with a 5 second dog.
I want my remains to be scattered all over the beach when I die.
Also, I don’t want to be cremated.
Danny: I got chills, there multiplying.
Sandy: *they’re
If your wife says “what would you do without me?”
“Live happily ever after” is NOT the correct answer.Brrrr it’s cold in this doghouse 🙁
Me: I changed your diapers, I cook our meals – I basically spend my days doing things to take care of you. Pretty sure I can pour fake tea correctly
My 4-year-old:
Me:
4-year-old: You’re spilling.
[daughter going on a date]
ME: I want her back at 9
DAUGHTER: dad, I’m 22
ME: you were cuter at 9