Bought a new exercise program
Instructions said to stop if I felt any discomfort
So I did
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I just left a court docket with 47 cases. I was number 4 and 43. The judge took the bench and took one look at me with my Kleenex and hacking cough and said, “Patient zero, YOU will be going first.”
Never has looking like complete crap made me so happy.
*spits out mouthful of peacock feathers* I’m sorry, I thought these were for just anyone to eat. *gets escorted from zoo*
You can pour up to 12 bowls of salad in your sweats before they kick you out of the Olive Garden.
*puts salt and pepper in shopping cart, pushes real good
The one night I drag the lawn chair into the yard, I see a neighbor I haven’t seen in 3 years and she has a shovel. Is this how it all ends?
“Sorry I was skeptical about your cough.”
-my new line of Get Well cards
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ve got 5 more rounds in the chamber. You’ll get that moon eventually. He’ll pay for what he did.
I woke up with tons of motivation to go back to sleep.
I hate it when I’m eavesdropping and people aren’t talking loud enough.
It took Marcel only a few meals to realize he didn’t like being a French cat.
Technology: the world is at your fingertips, you can accomplish anything!
Twitter: nope
Thanks to smartphones, the toilet has been transformed from a place of quiet reflection to my remote business command center. I’m not avoiding work. I’m literally getting shit done.
Before they built this Trader Joe’s, there was just an empty field with wild shoppers politely blocking each other’s way
*flashlight under chin*
Me: And then the accountant told her how many more years she had to work until retirement.
*all the adults scream*
My kid: “Mommy, can you teach me how to pick a lock?”
Me, on the other side of the bathroom door: “No.”
Every muscle in my back is sore. Hurt it at the gym? Chopping wood? Helping move a refrigerator? Nope. Sneezing.
I take a prop microphone wherever I go. If a reporter sticks a mic in my face during a tragedy, I can pull out my own and return the favor.
i will not close my account until the sport of golf is rightfully named “golfball” like the other ball sports
the worst thing ever is when you go to the dentist after ten years of not having insurance and the dentist is like why did you let this get this bad?? i don’t know bro why do you charge $20,000 for an x-ray
[Club]
Him: You want to dance?
Her: *Giggling* Ok
Him: *Scowling* Well go on then
BOSS: I need to see you in my office
ME: *I begrudgingly take off my invisibility cloak* oh alright
Coaching softball is wild because you get to call timeouts to teach valuable life lessons or sometimes just because your pitcher lost her tooth and she needs you to hold it for the Tooth Fairy.
My boyfriend said that I’m more than enough woman for him, and now I’m mad because I think he called me fat.
blade runner wouldn’t drive anything bc then he’d be blade driver y’all are so stupid.
Important
The hardest part of parenting is, and I can’t stress this enough, the kids.
me as a serial killer would be trying to snap someone’s neck and just making them look to the left real quick.
[airport]
For $800 more you can upgrade to Arctic Class
What’s that?
Same as coach but the flight staff is penguins
[slaps table] SOLD
The 1yo did 4 squats and then ate a cookie so he’s my new personal trainer now.
Once I was in an elevator w/ 5 strangers & a lady ran up at the last second. Instead of helping her, we all watched the doors close. I said, “Good. I never liked her” to what I thought would be big laughs. Nope. As I rode 10 floors in thick silence, they shut me out even harder