I bet that at some point in history a baby ate a dingo.
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Kids movies really made me believe that the greatest threats on earth were dogcatchers and quicksand
M: Come to bed…
Her: I have a headache
M: You’re a robot!
H:
M:
H: …SELF DESTRUCT[BOOM]
M: Nice try but you’re still under warranty!
A cop just pulled me over — asking if I knew my tail light was out? I said, ‘Uh uh. I drive on the inside of my car’
Jesus: I HAVE RETURNED
[wife & I arguing about who used the last paper towel or some other shit]
Jesus: OK I’MMA COME BACK LATER
My son walked in from kindergarten and set his backpack down with a sigh. “Tough day today,” he said. “A lot of stress.” “What happened?” I asked. “We started the letter J today,” he replied. “It’s giving me lots of trouble.”
*throws $100 bill into a wishing well* I wish I was good with money
Starting a skydiving school called Active Chuters
Trains are great for when you need the names of towns screamed at you intermittently over a loud speaker
Opened the bathroom cupboard and a bunch of feminine hygiene products fell out on me.
It was a tampede.
Been unable to sell my house for over a decade because I’d rather tell prospective buyers it’s haunted than admit I can’t hang pictures straight.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Do you know why I stopped?
*silence*
*a saxophone wails in the distance*
I just want to be rich enough that I don’t have to watch DIY videos on YouTube every time something in my house breaks.
[immortal aliens studying us]
After about 80 years, they enter a larval stage and lie dormant underground. We don’t know what happens next.
bartender: what can I get u
me: a lot
“so u have no idea what started the fire” the fireman looks at me. i shake my head no. i nervously fidget with my recipe for a thrice baked potato behind my back
Some say their relationship is built on trust. Others, friendship. Mine is built on an ancient Indian burial ground.
DNA doesn’t make you a parent. Stepping on a lego guy on your way to the bathroom at 3 am does
My fridge just screamed “OH JESUS, WHAT NOW?” at me as I opened its door.
God *creates dinosaurs* these are perfect
Dinosaur: Are you dino-sure hahaha
God *creates asteroids*
I needed this laugh 😂😂😂
Parenting tip: Unplug the microwave before dropping acid because you’ll inevitably put the baby in there for safe keeping.
Cauliflower: *ring ring*
Textiflower: *ping*
How is it that my kids can never find their own shoes but…
Easily find the one ice cream sandwich I hid behind the peas in the freezer.
“Nope, not touching that… what else you got?”
-Me, as a therapist
My family used to move a lot when I was a kid, but I always found them.
waiter: would you like to know the one thing on the menu we’re out of tonight?
me: no no I’ll find it thanks
A minute, 45 seconds.
How long I’ll hold my hands under a restaurant faucet before I finally realize it’s not motion activated.
This dude wants $4800 to remove a raccoon from my attic. So our family has a pet raccoon now, obviously. Say hello to Charlotte.
I’ll do anything for you as long as I don’t have to get out of this chair.
I’m so pale… I don’t send nudes, I send transparencies