My boss to a new applicant: You never get a second chance to make a first impression right?
Me about to inflict some post traumatic amnesia on him with a computer monitor: ʷᵉ’ˡˡ ˢᵉᵉ ᵃᵇᵒᵘᵗ ᵗʰᵃᵗ.
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why is it called “free time” when i use it to spend all my money
Hold on, you guys. Turns out the person with bad opinions is extremely attractive. I’m on their side now.
Sorry I’m late, there was an octopus throwing pies at me so I was literally… Occupied
‘My Dad was asking me how was the Duo Lingo concert?’
This gum has my stomach convinced food is coming.
Me: I’d like to apologise for my behaviour
Host: No need, you haven’t done anything wrong
Me: I haven’t started yet
liquor on the top shelf is so expensive because the bartender has to stand on their tippy toes to reach it
My Therapist thinks i need a women in my life. But all the women i know thinks i need a therapist.
Mugger: give me your wallet and you won’t get hurt
Me: *handing over wallet* wanna be my friend?
Mugger: no
Me: *taking wallet back* but you said :’(
I’ve never been an actor before, but every Saturday I go to Costco and act interested about the food they’re selling so I can eat free samples for lunch.
She says talking to me is like talking to a kid.
Therapist: And how many years has this been going on?
*holds up 6 fingers* This many
My daughter and I decided to play Monopoly, and we’ve been arguing about the rules for the last hour.
I had no intention of viewing your webinar until you used “and more” as a bullet point in your email and seduced me with the allure of intrigue and mystery
WHY DOES THIS DENTAL FLOSS REFUSE TO LET ME TOSS IT INTO THE BATHROOM TRASH CAN?
I ordered my latte wrong at that new gypsy coffee place and now my shadow is a horse shadow
When a Star Trek baddie suffers cardiac arrest, and you have defibrillator paddles right there, what do you do? Shock a Khan. Shock a Khan.
Her: “What an ugly baby”
Him: “My baby is NOT ugly!”
Her: “So, who’s baby is this?”
Pixar has made me feel affection towards rats, bugs, fish, robots, monsters and even cars. The real test would be a movie about coworkers.
warning lights and gentle chimes are not enough, when my car is low on gas I need it to punch me in the face
PROSECUTOR: the defendant robbed 3 stores naked wearing only a teletubby mask
ME: *slams gavel* guilty as charged
Defendant: aren’t you my lawyer?
JUDGE: *missing his gavel* give that back
[in class]
Hermione: For once I want the teacher to get my name right!
Gar4y With a Silent 4: Totally know what ya mean
me: i just quit cold turkey
turkey: *outside in the snow banging on window* please baby i can change
Weather channel: It’s going to get up into the mid-30’s this afternoon but it’ll still feel like it’s in the teens.
Me: Literally me.
*asks every guy at speed dating*
“Are you going to drink that?”
My daughter is angry that I won’t let her eat icicles hanging off our house, like I’m some kind of monster for denying her a gutter sucker.
Instead of getting annoyed, that stranger should have thanked me for tweezing his unruly ear hair.
I didn’t see a single avenger die when Obama was president
cop: you have one phone call
me: [dials 911] get me outta here
Mario: can I buy you a drink?
Peach: ew get a life
Mario: *eats mushroom* …now?
4: Mommy hear me count to 10,000
Me: