I wish they sold off-brand cars.
I’d get me a Joop
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prince of whales, doo doo doo doo doo doo
[doing group photography]
ME: now let me take one without the flash
THE FLASH: what the-
REST OF JUSTICE LEAGUE: wait let’s hear him out
Any beach is a nude beach if you drink enough alcohol
Him: I like powerful women.
Me: Gotcha.
*dresses up as a rhino*
I don’t like labels, but I suppose “evil genius” fits about as well as any.
She has a rye sense of humor & great buns.
I’m her hero, although I don’t have much dough.
I can’t wheat to see her!
I’m in loaf.
My youngest son’s dirty clothes sit on the floor, beneath the laundry chute.
I admire his hope that they’ll bounce up and swish down.
*man with beerbelly waiting outside elementary school*
*teacher walks towards man*
“are you expecting a child?”
“no thats from all the beer”
Finally going to watch Titanic, no spoilers please.
god: did you give the dinosaurs more muscle like I asked
angel: wait what
god: I told you to make them meatier
angel: oh MEATier
Fish look like they’re constantly being surprised by something.
them: you look just like a friend of mine
me: she sounds really pretty
I’m not saying I killed it on the stock market today, but there’s a good chance I’m cutting up a hot dog into my Kraft Dinner tonight.
Divorce lawyer: we should talk about custody
Me: I can’t trust her with my ant farm
Wife: he means the kids
Me: I trust them even less
My son came home for spring break with all clean clothes and doesn’t need me to do his laundry and I am just so very, very confused.
We had to cut our 2yo off from YouTube. Like any addict, he hasn’t responded well to going cold turkey but his irises aren’t red anymore so that’s good news.
what’s my dream career? the guy who bakes chickens and hides them in the walls in castlevania. next question
I went to a singles event once. I didn’t see one slice of Kraft cheese.
I consider that false advertising.
[doing crossword]
Me: emphatic no; five letters
Wife: neverMe: pistol; three letters
Wife: gunMe: disgust; three letters
Wife: ughMe: charity; four letters
Wife: giveMe: female sheep; three letters
Wife: eweMe: Pixar movie; two letters
Wife: Up
Dear toilet paper companies
I think it’s safe to say you can stop airing tv commercials
As kids we used to chant “my mother and your mother were hanging up clothes, my mother punched your mother right in the nose” and apparently just accepted that moms were prone to sudden, random violence
my grandpa: i used to take 50 cents to the store & come back with a new pair of shoes but u can’t do that today
me: inflation, right?
my grandpa: security cameras
The Fat Girl’s Guide To The Zombie Apocalypse:
If you see me running & there’s no ice cream truck in front of me..you should run too.
Wearing the same outfit two days in a row ’cause I’m practicing to be a cartoon
Am not being sponsored to say this but if anyone is looking for a way to make swallowing food easier, try using “Teeth”. I recently began using teeth while eating and it’s reduced the number of Heimlich manoeuvres I receive per month by over 94% 👍
Thursday Thought.
I’m so proud of two weeks ago me for anticipating I would want a ripe avocado today
I googled my symptoms and it turns out that half of y’all are stupid 🤕
When people are kissing in public, it’s weird how angry they get when you try and join in.