There’s an app for the people who say they’re not seeking some form of validation here. It’s called a diary.
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My dog and I play this game, it’s called What Are You Chewing On Now?… it goes both ways
Cop: First name please…
“Frida”
Cop: Last name…
“Gomam”
Cop: You’re Frida Gomam?
*peels out*
Cop: Nice, nice
Me, 5 minutes into the zombie apocalypse: Fresh brains here, come and get your brains!
[my kid while eating a hard boiled egg]
mommy, what flavor is the yellow part?
Marriage is wearing the same shirt for three days in a row and on the third day, your husband asking if you got a new shirt.
This pumpkin spice toilet paper seems unnecessary, but I’ll taste it nonetheless.
how to have fun when you’re poor
Kidnapper: we have your wife
Me: you sonofa-it was HER turn to take the kids to the park today!
You collect clowns AND porcelain dolls??
Are you sure you don’t want some help filling out your dating profile sir?
I asked my son to look through the playroom for things to donate to goodwill, and he was so generous about it, within minutes, he came back with a whole bag filled with his sister’s toys.
There’s a tiktok ad I keep seeing that’s like “STOP SPENDING $200 ON SUNGLASSES.” Ok done. Easiest task I’ve ever been given
Gas is so cheap right now, I just buy a new car when I run out.
experienced cop: it’s ok kid, you get used to it
millennial rookie cop, retching near murder scene: the coffee you brought was not artisanal
When someone in their 20’s talks about “old people” they’re talking about us.
*being abducted by aliens*
Hey thanks guys it was getting pretty rough down there. What we got goin’ on, snack-wise?
My secret to making condoms more comfortable is telling men how badly I want a baby
My personal history can best be understood as a series of catastrophes.
If Rocky 4 couldn’t improve Russia and US relations then nothing will
#winning
I woke up this morning next to a dead fly that I don’t know. I need to stop drinking.
These Valtrex commercials are confusing… Are herpes a pre-requisite for kayaking and rock climbing?
i just want a guy i can call papi (not in the grandpa way)
the Purge but instead of killing for 24 hours we get to talk to customers the way they talk to us
The secret to immortality is looking like a slob. Have you ever seen a ghost looking like shit? No. No you have not
I don’t watch the news because anchors don’t shuffle papers anymore
My wife took a bunch of my clothes to make a scarecrow today and seeing it come together I realized I dress like a scarecrow.
People who drive slower up hills know how cars work, right?
my dad deserves an award for the amount of times I’ve had to call him this year and say “im fine but my car isn’t”
I’ve been a vegetarian for 13 years but if I ever got the chance I would absolutely 100% bite the head off the Geico gecko
[sees co-worker the next day after failing to kill him on purge night] mondays am i right?