Funny how strangers who ask you to take a photo of them are always disappointed by your shots, as if they expect to find Yousuf Karsh leaving a 7-Eleven.
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My 4-year-old has a tummyache and before she went to bed she asked how you get the egg out of your body, so that’s how I found out she’s spent her whole life thinking we get tummyeggs when we don’t feel well.
There are two types of people in this world: those who finish things
me: I need a new shirt
stores: way too small or ridiculously oversized?
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: I brought a girl home last night
911: That’s not an-
Me: NOW SHE WON’T LEAVE!
*swat team busts down my door*
Me: Like that time in Harry Potter Revenge of the Fallen when the wizard becomes a Camaro
Pal: I think you mean…
Me: Dumblebee, yes, I know what I mean. So, anyway…
After 21 years of marriage I thought it would be funny on National Joke Day to tell my wife I wanted to have more kids. She said “ME TOO!”
…Now what do I do?
Saw a woman leave her dog in the car, engine running, air on. He watched her from the front seat for a moment and then drove away
When I hear the phrase “Freudian slip” I immediately imagine Sigmund in a revealing, yet tasteful nightgown. That can’t be healthy.
Rigged my kids’ Magic 8 Ball to say these choices:
-No
-No way
-Still no
-Yes! JK absolutely not
-Go ask your father
Talking vulture: You dead yet? What about now? OK, I’ll wait.
A charcuterie board is about what’s on top of the board? I thought y’all were picking side items to make eating wood more palletable.
“Oh man, that thing looks irritated”
– me, pulling into the airport parking lot and seeing my mother-in-law waiting on the curb
Warning to friends:
If you piss me off I’ll put a for sale sign in my yard and list your phone number to call for inquiries.
Mob Boss: Did you check the money for marks?
Me: Why would I, we’ve never had a president named Mark
Mob Boss: …
Me: *getting nervous* H-have we?
Saying “I’m practicing social distancing”
-everyone doing it
-not very exciting
-no varietyExclaiming “keep your hands off me good sir!”
-classy
-are you a character in a victorian novel?
-implies someone would want to touch you
Whenever I get sick, I get my immune system drunk so it will fight anything.
I’m in good enough shape to be turned into a vampire now.
Everyone is acting like they’re all excited for the eclipse like anyone will even look up from their phone
That’s it, teachers. Keep gloating on Facebook about your snow day. You’ll see my kids tomorrow after their breakfast of Coke & Pixy Stix.
At least once a day my daughter does something I can’t comprehend, and I stare at her like a caveman who just stumbled across a fighter jet.
He-man has a Masters degree
This mosh pit at Chuck E. Cheese ain’t gonna start itself
When your girlfriend comes home in a white suit, covered in bee stings and smelling like honey.
You know she’s a keeper.
If you ever see a ghost DO NOT put a sheet over your head and make noises. They find it offensive.
[working in a nail salon]
Me: How short would you like me to bite them?
my girlfriend has literally 40 browser tabs open on her $170 chromebook. some tabs are like a week old and it’s not even slowing down. it’s astounding. trying to imagine what 1998 me would think of that. he’d be amazed i have a girlfriend
Sorry I said “You’ll do” instead of “I do” at our wedding.
[watching as my wife throws out a box of miscellaneous cords] no! my legacy
[training the new person at work]
Them: so you do this everyday?
Me, hiding in the toilet for the 6th time: yes
[Arriving at party]
Host: Why are you wearing only a nappy?
Me: I was told “infancy dress”.
Host: I said “in fancy dress,” you moron!