Wonder Woman: we need more warriors, have you sent in the reinforcements yet?
Amazon Customer Service: …what
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Being attacked by a shark is frightening enough…
But it’s even more terrifying when you notice he also has a big cold sore on his lip.
Listening to the snow getting plowed outside my window and so jealous
if the earth is so flat explain why cats haven’t pushed everything off it yet. you can’t.
Jimmy Fallon always looks like he’s waiting for you to open a gift he’s convinced you’ll absolutely love.
Science says 99% of dust in your home is flakes of human skin but in my home it’s mostly microscopic potato chip crumbs.
Arranged to pick something up on facebay. On way there they text to say they’d sold to someone else. Stalked their profile until they posted they were in search of something. Said I had it. When they turned up, I told them I’d just sold it someone else instead.
I was home alone the other day and was frightened by a very loud noise, then I realized it was just my stomach growling.
I made the mistake of telling my son he should think of some game ideas we could work on and now he wants to know why the project is behind schedule
There are two kinds of people.
Try not to be either one of them.
I don’t go camping. I can’t sleep at night knowing I locked my front door with a zipper.
Helena Bonham Carter eats eight spiders a day. Not in her sleep, just whenever.
There should be a socially acceptable way to say, “I’m not sure what to say to that. Can you please say something different?”.
When I tell my dental hygienist that I floss regularly, I’m lying through my teeth.
Boss: Our toilet is fixed.
M: I can stop pooping at ur house.
B: You’re using the bathroom at my house?
M: There’s a bathroom at ur house?
hitman: [about to jump out of my closet]
me: [walks in wearing nothing but a cowboy hat] alexa play dancing queen
hitman:
Therapist: My job is to know you better than you know yourself, Libby
Me: It’s Abby
Therapist: That’s what you think
When the lady at the hardware store pointed down and told me my caulk was hanging out, I nearly had a heart attack!
Phil Collins’ “In The Air Tonight” is the best ever song about a silent but deadly fart.
Trainer: WHAT DO YOU WANT?
Me: A BIKINI BODY
T: WHEN DO YOU WANT IT?
Just after I finish this beer.
me: I’d like some ham please
server: ok how much
me: I really really want it
My stalker just threatened to kill herself if I can’t love her back. It’s nice when problems resolve themselves.
BOSS: What’s going on here?
ME: Dave’s mad because he specifically labelled his sandwich in the fridge and I accidentally-
DAVE: Not accidentally, on purpose!!
ME: ugh ok FINE. And I, “on purpose”, slept with his wife
I get my Kung Fu skills from taking off a sweaty sports bra after a workout.
Hey women, save your money, we just want you wrapped in a bow for Christmas. Wait, don’t even worry about buying the bow.
FRIEND WHO JUST GOT BIT BY A VERY VENOMOUS SPIDER: Hurry, the antidote!
ME: This reminds me of a time
FRIEND: No, not an anecdote! *Dies*
Me: I can’t handle this
People: Ask for help
Me: Ok, who do I ask?
People: It’s so important to ask for help
Me: Right but I can’t afford-
People: shh you can’t do it alone, ask for help!
Me: How, where, what do I do
People *putting a finger over my lips*: Ask 👏For 👏Help 👏
If you feel yourself getting bored because you’ve spent too much of your day in bed, just roll to the other side. It’s like a fresh start
Welcome to procrastinators club. The meeting will start eventually.
Act Like a Lady
Think Like a Man
Most importantly, talk in irrelevant cliches.
Think of a thing.
Theres an e cig flavor for that.