Phonetics
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me: i’m doing well
webmd: you may want to sit down
If by hot yoga you mean crawling around on the floor of my car in 90 degree weather looking for the sippy cup that rolled away then yes I do hot yoga
COP: We have reports of u blasting music.
ME: Sorry I’ll keep the Metallica down
COP: We were told it was Britney Spears “Lucky.” On repeat.
Me: I need to sleep
Ambien: do worms have buttholes? You should text your boss
the face you make when passing someone you kind of know but not enough to stop and chat
38% of being a dad is sitting in a car looking at your watch and waiting for everybody else to come out
One day, thousands of years from now, archaeologists will dig up my dead body and be like, “She’s been lying on top of the remote this entire time.”
Friend: Wanna go out and watch the game? We can get some food maybe.
Me: You had me at “get drunk.”
Friend: I didn’t say that.
Me: It’s a no from me.
heard you like bad girls so I squeezed lemon juice on my fish even though the waiter grabbed me & was like “no, there’s already lemon on it”
I put the clean laundry pile on my bed so I’d be motivated to fold it and have a place to sleep. So after a few nights sleeping on the couch I started scooping all the laundry up in my quilt, setting it on the floor, then putting it back on the bed in the morning.
Burglar: [smashes window]
Burglar: [comes into house]
Burglar: [steals electronics]
Burglar: [steals furniture]
Burglar: [steals jewelry]
Burglar: [ransacks bedrooms]
Burglar: [opens package of cheese]My dog [appearing from nowhere]: hey, what you got there?
i love when dog owners are like “our dog is very food-motivated!” like yeah. it’s a dog
To me the greatest mystery of scooby doo was whether scooby snacks were human food they fed to scooby or dog food they fed to shaggy
Me: You should know I’m alliterate
Her: You mean illiterate?
Me: No, not necessessfully
Art: Stop it.
Life: *mockingly* Stopp iiit.
There are days & nights where I’m surrounded by profound Darkness, followed by a realisation that I need to stop wearing shades in my house.
Getting my drone stuck in the tree isn’t the worst thing that happened to me today.
But it’s definitely up there.
I think I overdosed on comfort food last night….
That makes 7,427 days in a row.
cooks vegan zuchinni alfredo for dinner (evolved). follows it up with fistfuls of shaved parm straight out of the tub (caveman brain)
You always hear about cops planting evidence.
Never about the cops who nurture and water it every day so it will grow into an evidence tree.
I guess I shouldn’t have had 3 cookies… Now, I’m being judged.
I asked my wife what she wanted for dinner; she said “Surprise me”. So I broke a beer bottle across the counter.
I’m still very hungry.
me as a teen: chapstick is stupid
me in my late 30’s: who the hell touched my recliner chapstick?!
I broke my tool for painting Easter decorations. I’m having an egg shell stencil crisis.
Sometimes I stand in the shower for 10 minutes before I remember what I’m supposed to be doing. So, yes your secrets are safe with me.
Whenever the wife asks what I’m eating. I chew faster like a dog and refuse to open my mouth
The sequel to The Sound of Music starts with Maria and Capt. Von Trapp, cold and hungry, huddled together in the middle of the Alps making a list of the order in which to eat the children.
I get it Roomba, I can’t find my way out of the kitchen either.
FRIEND: I hate when people refer to their pets as children.
ME: You do that all the time with your dog.
FRIEND: I don’t have a dog.
ME: …
FRIEND: Are you referring to my toddler?
ME: …Probably.