I would like to believe if I ever met any of my idols I would act calm and normal. The problem with this is idk if I’ve ever acted calm or normal.
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An internet atheist is involved in some kind of drama? No way.
You call it day drinking I call it very old grape juice in the morning
me: you take my breath away!
scuba instructor: sir, just give me the tank
I swear i’m surrounded by idiots… no one even understood me when i said “to all intense and porpoises.”
Daylight Saving Time switches on November 6. That’s right, this presidential campaign is an hour longer than you thought.
What is the difference between Black-Eyed Peas and Chickpeas?
Black-Eyed Peas can sing us a song,
but Chickpeas
can just hummus one.
Social anxiety pro tip: start bringing celery and hummus to parties when you’re 25 and by the time you hit 30 you’ll be free every Saturday night forever
What doesn’t kill a grammar nazi makes me wronger.
Sometimes I like to stand up really fast to remember what drugs feel like
I have my binoculars ready for the upcoming solar eclipse. This is going to be amazing.
A colleague has just been fired from work and someone else put their hand up and asked how it would affect the Secret Santa
It’s beginning to cost a lot like Christmas.
I want to be financially secure enough to pass up a dime lying in a parking lot. Like “I’ll leave that for someone who needs it”
If you feel trapped in your body with no way out, just think about that guy in the middle of a conga line.
When people ask “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” just reply with “Space” then silently stare at the sky until they leave.
I withdraw my argument. I didn’t realise you had a meme to back you up.
Picture me eating dinner.
Wrong!
Louder. Drunker.
Even more backup dancers.
My O face is the same face I make when I eat really sour pickles
Which is why the lights stay off!
omg the traffic lights are red and green for Christmas 🥺
Renovated the kids bathroom and installed a bathroom ventilation fan with a Bluetooth speaker. Now I just need to find the perfect creepy audio of a ghost screeching “Get Out!” for when they take too long in the shower.
Stop shaming yourself for not pursuing a traditional career path. “Sea-witch who steals voices” is a real job. “Lady with snakes for hair” is a real job. “Prophetic hag who appears only in dreams” is a real job. Your career is valid ❤️
If I want to get back at you for slighting me, I’m not going to embarrass you or insult you. I smoke, I rarely exercise, I eat tons of red meat, and I drank to excess nearly every day for 30+ years. I’ll make you my emergency contact
Avoid getting crumbs in your bed by eating in your kid’s bed.
When you get to my age, your milkshake still brings boys to the yard, but they’re like “I’m lactose intolerant.”
If snails are so slow, why don’t we ever see them coming? It’s just BAM, there’s a snail.
[bartender hands lady drink] courtesy of the gentleman down there
[she takes a sip] is this –
[me from the end of the bar] IT’S MILK
I knock on the refrigerator door before opening it, just in case there’s a salad dressing in there.
Relationship status: the doorbell rings, my heart is pounding, it’s the pizza delivery guy. Three-cheese, double toppings, thick crust.
Before gunpowder, entire wars were fought with nothing but pinecones and latent rage.
Teens today have it so easy. We didn’t have self-checkout lanes when WE bought condoms.