My years of napping and making out with strangers have prepared me for a solid career as a CPR dummy
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Do you ever follow accounts blindly and then find yourself in bad poetry or emu farmer Twitter?
My teen left her phone at home when she went to school so unfortunately she can’t text me if she needs anything. Fortunately she also can’t text me if she needs anything.
*family reunion*
– flirting shouldn’t be this easy
Had my mom call me to get out of a meeting, but now I’m stuck in a call with my mom
Keep salespeople from pestering you by asking what type of saw can cut through bone and sinew the quickest.
When I was growing up, “Deadpool” was just what we called our neighbors’ hot tub after he mysteriously drowned in it.
We have an enclosed back yard with only a narrow opening near the driveway and a duck was going back and forth at the back looking at the fences like he didn’t know how to get out so I shouted down “Dude, you can FLY!”
[Halloween]
Lady: what are you this this year?
Me: *dressed as a phone battery meter* I’m at 10% and it’s only 7pm.
Lady: *faints*
I must have more than ten fingers because I broke like 17 nails today
Eat…
If you haven’t learned to use overlapping circles to demonstrate relationships Venn vill you?
“Well well well if it isn’t the guy I’m stalking.”
“Get out of my hamper.”
Get off your high horse. Seriously, it’s not safe to ride any animal that’s stoned.
SAM:
Say! I like green eggs and ham!
I do! I like them, Sam-I-am!
I did eat them in a box.
I did eat them with a fox.
I did eat them in a house.
I did eat them with a mouse.DOCTOR:
So, what seems to be the problem?SAM:
I am pooping here and there.
I am pooping everywhere.
The Boomer bank robber got Botox and now he’s a smooth criminal
me: sorry, I move around a lot in bed
GF: it’s ok lol
[middle of the night]
me: [taps GF on the shoulder] I just bought a house in Montana
IF THE FLINTSTONES WERE REAL THEYD HAVE TRIED TO CONTACT US BY NOW
Wife: We need a mattress.
Salesman: Try them by getting into your usual sleeping position.
Wife: [lays on mattress]
Me: [heads to sofa department]
[watching The Brady Bunch before kids] Why would a stay-at-home mom need a live-in maid?
[after kids] Holy crap I need three live-in maids.
Money doesn’t impress me. You know what does? Treehouses.
I like for my resolutions to be attainable so this year I resolve that I will neither become the pope nor will I become a cannibal.
WARNING: I WILL NOT STEAL YOUR BOYFRIEND BUT I MIGHT STEAL YOUR CAT
*takes cat from pocket of doctor’s coat & holds it over patient*
He has finished his scan. He says he doesn’t like you & you have cancer.
[before electricity was invented]
ME: [presses hand dryer]
GUY IN THE WALL: [deep inhale]
I’m no fan of Smokey the Bear. He’s just the first step on the slippery slope to vigilantism.
I’d have murdered my husband years ago, but the only place w/ more laundry than my house is prison.
I’m like Beyonce if Beyonce could not sing or dance.
It’s cute how my family thinks I’m playing with fire and I’m just trying to cook them breakfast
I walk into the bathroom only to be greeted by my dad’s masterpiece
That kid that said “if the teacher doesnt show up in 15 minutes, we are legally allowed to leave” is in prison now.