[Person who spends 20 hours per week in the gym]
“The trick is to drink 8 glasses of water a day.”
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IT guy: Your keyboard won’t work because it’s full of crumbs.
Me: *flashes back to eating Nature Valley granola bar at desk* Weird.
Never snuggle your cat right after applying facial moisturizer. I know that now.
batman: i caught the penguin
judge: bail is set for $0
batman: isn’t he a flight risk?
judge:
batman: oh right
*comes home from poker night earlier than usual looks at wife while picking up the dog and leaves without saying anything*
Wife: I told you not to buy the kids a trampoline.
Me: I didn’t
[bounce]
Me: buy the kids
[bounce]
Me: a trampoline.
[bounce].
luke: *tips hat* waterwalker
jesus: *tips hat* skywalker
Thoughts and prayers for my dog. The mail carrier showed up today like she does everyday.
Alcohol won’t solve my problems, but neither will milk or orange juice.
They say genius skips a generation.In our case it fell off our family tree and died.
My family seemed kinda happy that the rice I made yesterday fell on the floor before I could serve it tonight.
He says I’m cute when I’m mad. Well he has no idea of how gorgeous I can be.
Congratulations to all the people currently in a coma, well played.
Get a dog they said …they never said anything about never ever being able to eat in peace ever again.
Watching drunk twins fight.
The similarities are staggering, and striking.
Me: Netflix and chill?
Her: sure
Me: bring a pizza and an internet connection and a Netflix password
Her:
Me: and don’t forget the condoms!
Medusa was the absolute worst when it came to objectifying people.
Galentine’s Day? Friendsgiving? Cinco de Drinko? Friyay?
Take me now, covid.
When a fancy lady told me she was from an upscale neighborhood, I stared at her, mouth agape and said, ‘Oh shit! I’m so sorry. Are you okay?’ She didn’t like that at all.
You got your ducks in a row. I got my monkeys in a wheelbarrow. We are not the same.
I loved Saint Patrick’s day in Boston it was like if everyone got a concussion during the purge. One year I lost my keys in a pub and a guy gave me one of his keys to make me feel better
Drunk octopus wants to fight. He will rip your coat off your back.
The Olympics were so inspiring I’m now commuting to work via pole vault
Establish dominance on rival dads by rubbing sunscreen on your kids, right when they’re getting yelled at for not bringing sunscreen
*Mother driving me to an appt in the city as I clutch the passenger seat, white knuckled, terrified
Me: You drive like an old lady!
Her: That’s not very nice.
*swerves to avoid oncoming vegetable truck
Me: WE ARE GOING TO DIE
Her: Good thing I’m already an old lady.
[at DMV]
Me: *pushing my way through line* birthday boys first
Guy in line: that’s not a thing!
Clerk: actually it’s on the secret menu
Guy: wha-
Me: oh and uh *winks 3 times*
Clerk: cup or cone
Me: cone pls 🙂
Clerk: *scooping ice cream* here you go sweetie
The host of the UK Apprentice sounds like the villain a toothpaste company’s marketing department came up with
Me: “Did it hurt when you fell from heaven?”
Her:
Me: “I SAID, DID IT HUR-”
Medic: “Step aside sir”
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
3: Mommy, I hid your phone.
Triscuits are great because it reminds us that our gums can get splinters too.
I feel both proud and ashamed when I see an eating challenge that looks like my average meal.