Me as a lawyer:
-my lord, my client doesn’t do jail
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Popeye was heart healthy because he liked to eat spinach and Olive Oil.
Never underestimate mothers. They can turn “mayhem” into “ma’am” with one narrowed glance.
Just sold my homing pigeon on eBay for the 22nd time.
“Olive Garden: When you’re here, you’re family.”
*My grandma tells the waitress she looks tired*
Me: I can’t believe we have $900 for Christmas gifts this year!
Fridge: I don’t feel well. I think I have a fever.
Damn, girl, are you a customer looking for a great deal, because my clothes are 75% off.
The scariest moment in the world is when a 3yo looks at you and says CLOSE YOUR EYES AND OPEN YOUR MOUTH
Perfecting my gay-nar. It’s an underwater homosexual detector.
The expression “you catch more bees with honey” also could imply that you may get stung by said bees.
It’s brave, unless you fail. Then it’s just stupid.
Me: This lingerie you bought me is super uncomfortable
BF: That’s a mosquito net I got for our camping trip
A random lady complimented me on my dress and said how lovely it looked on me
So I did what any reasonable person would do
Walked into a lamp post and fell over
NASA: you’ve been selected to spend a year on the space station
ME: wow that’s awesome
NASA: you and your entire family!
ME: oh ok no thanks
People with grown children keep telling me that I’ll miss these days, but I promise you that I will never look back with longing on the time I accidentally woke my toddler up at 2am
Before Geronimo was born in 1829 what the hell did people yell when they jumped off things?
[neighbourhood watch meeting]
john: i have some disturbing news, we have a cold-blooded killer in our community.
suzy: omg who could it be?
lizard: *basking in the sun* yea omg who could it be.
what if cobwebs were delicious?
– cotton candy inventor
Cops hauled me away for drawing faces on potatoes and makin’ em kiss.
“It’s just too sexy” one cop whispered to me on our way to the jail
I showed my students that I can say my ABCs backwards and a student shouted “SHE’S A WITCH!” and then I unzipped my jacket and revealed my Hocus Pocus shirt and they all screamed and the universe has never aligned like this for me
Her: Did you turn the iron off before you left? Over.
Me: *in a ship streaking through the endless vacuum of space* …Dammit. Over.
“Kids, grandma just had hip surgery so I need to warn you, she’s not herself.”
*grandma struts in wearing skinny jeans and smoking an E-cig*
My husband just solved a puzzle on Wheel of Fortune with only 2 letters turned on the board and he leaned over to high five me.
If anyone wants to high five him back, he’s still waiting.
my mom: we found this under your bed and we are very disappointed *pulls out copy of “drugs for dummies”*
my dad: lol nerd
Quarantine prank. Be careful what you wish for…😂🤣😭💀💀
[hears one Christmas song] My heart is overflowing with glad tidings
[hears another one] I’ve never been angrier
[police lineup]
COP: number three step forward and say the phrase on your card
ME: who says you can’t pull your chair right up to the buffet?
WITNESS: omg yes that’s him, officer
My stomach just made a really weird noise. I’m sending a pizza down to check it out.
This diet is probably gonna end in murder, but still pretty excited. I’m gonna look so skinny in my mugshot!
Getting to watch kids discover “firsts” is really amazing, like when the 3yo announced his toy was doing a handstand with his feet