I’m God’s gift to women if he stopped at a gas station last minute.
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corona got the club empty asf me and the DJ just chillin listening to frank ocean with the strobe lights goin rn
One of the top features of squirrels, for me, has got to be that squirreliness
My 9YO told me she didn’t think I was allowed to watch an R-rated movie because you have to be “at least 70” to watch that and I’m just like hell yeah she thinks I’m under 70.
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Me: ha nice try
I: excuse me?
M: that’s how Lex Luthor beat Superman. I’m not stupid.
DOG: [looking out the window] wat a beautiful mornimg! the sky is grey, the grass is grey, the birds are grey and readey to eat,
The Fast and the Furious is my favourite movie about me running away after dropping a vase in an antiques store
I like it when it’s raining, because I can hold my umbrella really low and it makes everyone headless.
A curse:
May your children do impersonations of you that are both embarrassing and perfectly accurate.
Ever since my boss discovered my Twitter account, these drug tests are seeming a lot less ‘random’.
Leg day is just a fake day invented by Big Leg to sell more leg
*sees lawn gnome cartwheel into room*
*calls to renew prescription*
Wife: “You talk like some poorly written science fiction novel. I’m leaving you.”
Me: “I swear by the 12 moons of Bumtar I can change!”
him: *walking into the kitchen* don’t you feel guilty eating Nutella right out of the jar?
me: *licking the spoon* only if I can’t finish the jar
I pack underwear as if I plan to shit myself for 40 days and nights
It used to be a 5-second rule before doggo here whittled it down to 2 seconds
I hate it when I catch SpongeBob halfway through and I can’t follow the plot
Batman is awfully lazy when it comes to naming all of his shit.
POLICE OFFICER: “Do you know why I pulled you over?”
ME: “Because you know I love riddles.”
I would have suggested they just use a regular volleyball, but I guess the Olympics are special.
marriage counselor: pretend you both just started talking.
me: goo goo gah gah
marriage counselor: no.
Overheard at work: “that is music to my ears”. Where else would the music go smartypants?
5 years ago when ‘House of Cards’ started we said, ‘That’s so scary.’ Now Trump is here and we’re like, ‘hahaha, House of Cards is adorable’
I try to live my life everyday as if it were my last. And who wants to do laundry on their last day? Not me…
Doglike cats are some of the sweetest, most adorable creatures on the planet. Catlike dogs emerged directly from a portal to hell
So, I need an aquaculture licence to keep fish in a barrel and a firearms licence to shoot them. This is not as easy as I was led to believe
Our middle child says we neglect him/her.
smh
Police: Cover me
Rookie: ok [pulls out guitar] Every little thing she does is magic
I would move hell over six inches for you