Spring is the most depressing season because all the birds are getting laid and I’m not
You Might Also Like
DATE: I’m really into *bites lip & lowers voice* S&M
ME: Well, I *trails finger sexily across the table* like all of the letters
[First day as an undercover cop]
Drug Dealer: You got the money?
Me: … *into cufflink* Line?
By 5, the human child can walk and feed itself, but doesn’t yet stray from home, as it relies on parents for tablet charging and maintenance
I don’t suppose you’ve seen those two boiled eggs I left sitting on the kitchen sideboard by any chance?
LADIES imagine this,
its 15 years from now. your son is up to bat. your daughter is cheering him on in the stands. your husband is nowhere to be found, you start to worry he’ll miss the game. suddenly, a tiny red convertible pulls up on the field. its your husband, Stuart Little
*lawyer pops out of cake with divorce papers & pen in hand
To find me during an apocalypse just look for the girl trying to finish her noodles while running
Forget roses, lay me down on a bed of my favorite donuts.
ME: gimme a beer with a thick head
BARTENDER: you got it
BEER: did you know vaccine’s cause autism?
Any tool’s a hammer if you’re mad enough
“I have to eat every 7 minutes or I get cranky.”
“Ma’am, that’s not a valid reason to be excused from jury duty.”
Don’t be rude, if the person in front of you in the Starbucks line isn’t concentrating, sweep the leg, step over them and keep the line moving
Son: When did you have your first self-own?
Me: I made fun of another kid in my class for not knowing what sex was and then I said it meant “whether you’re a girl or a boy” and everyone laughed at me
Son: No, your first CELL-PHONE
BANK ROBBER: There’ll be no trouble as long as everyone is cool
ME *remembering I’m me* oh no
SCROOGE: Oh great spirit…why are we at the Olive Garden?
GHOST OF CHRISTMAS PASTA: These guys have endless breadsticks
Did you hear about how people in Athens don’t even wake up until noon?
They say dawn is pretty tough on Greece.
Donald Duck is far too angry for somebody who never has to suffer pants.
“And there was this one time…”
*scuffle scuffle*
*muffled swearing*
*mic drops*Me, giving a wedding toast
Note to self: when in a bank and your kids are climbing on the chairs. Don’t yell…
GET DOWN!
Trump: “I’m going to make sure we let in less immigrants.”
Pence: “Fewer!”
Trump: “Shhh, don’t call me that yet.”
5 and 11 months: When I was a baby six years ago I was happy.
Me: You weren’t born yet then.
5: No, I mean when I was in your tummy. I didn’t have to do anything I didn’t want and it was dark and warm.
Me: *Sigh* And you didn’t fight with me on eating your dinner either.
That awkward moment when I give a guy a fake phone number and he tries to call it in front of me.. #OhShiiiit
I love watching my 3yo and 2yo fight because they throw kicks and nobody makes contact and they say shit like, “you’re boring!” and “I have socks!” as insults and it’s amazing.
“Your meal is being prepared and should be delivered in 30-45 minutes”
Perfect. Just enough time to eat a sleeve of Oreos.
[almost at the moon]
Buzz: *explosive diarrhea* DID YOU PUT SOMETHING IN THE TANG, ARMSTRONG?
Neil: *steals speech out of his pocket* nope
FUN PRANK: Replace signs for Red Cross Blood Drive line with “iPhone 6 in Stock” and watch the shenanigans ensue.
Ruin your teen’s day by singing the wrong words to their favorite song.
Joined Match.com… And all I got was a lit cigarette
Kids today will never know the joy of being selected to go outside to dust the erasers.
[bedtime]
brain: hey remember that lost episode where the couple gets paralyzed DO THOSE SPIDERS LIVE NEAR US
me: SLEEP
brain: NO, GOOGLE IT