this will hang in the louvre one day
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WIFE (pulling up my browser history): i need you to explain something
ME: *gulps* oh no
WIFE (points at my google search for “spaghetti cake”): how in the world do you forget the word “lasagna”
learn just enough tap dancing just to tap dance out of the room when you win an argument
Cowboy: This town ain’t big enough for the both of us
ME: I’ll be staying indoors almost all the time
Cowboy: ok cool
PATIENT: my stomach is killing me, doc
DR DOG: I’ve got just the thing for you *hands him a prescription bottle filled with grass*
Nothing prepares you for the love you have for your children, or for your own ability to say I don’t know a million times a day without snapping their adorable little necks.
Me: It’s the cops!! We better skeedaddle!
Gang leader: I’ve asked you to stop saying that
Daniel slept in a lions den
Peter slept in a prison
Jesus slept in a stormNo matter the circumstance, you can always take a nap.
Zelda is the name of the PRINCESS, the guy in green who saves her is named Luigi, idiots.
I tried to make a batch of rum balls. But now they’re just balls and i’m drunk.
He reacted like the people in those David Blaine street magic videos
“Judy, if I don’t survive this vicious goose attack, always know that I loved you”
“my name is Denise”
People joke that soup acts “all dramatic” when you put it in a microwave, but if you put those same people in a microwave, they would freak out. Hypocrites.
When the DJ asks if we are ready to party I sometimes lie & say yes even though I really need like 10 min to get ready
If snails are so slow, why don’t we ever see them coming? It’s just BAM, there’s a snail.
Me: Omg, my legs are like jello!
Trainer: You stood up.
Me: Sooo sore!!
Forgot to get McDonald’s after my son’s dr appt to take back to school with him and now CPS just kicked down my door
Hollywood’s obsession with hacking scenes in movies made me woefully overestimate how many elevators I’d have to “hack” as a programmer
My friend’s DoorDash was stolen by a raccoon right after the same thing happened in Florida and I think we might have an orca situation going on here.
I like to leave myself sexy love notes in my lunches and act all surprised and giddy like “WHAAAAAT—-NOT AGAIN!” and then proceed to read the note out loud as my co-workers look on in envy.
Her: Can you babysit?
Me: Uh, what do I do?
H: Play games & stuff.
M: Like drinking games?
H: He’s 2.
M:
H:
M: So like no hard liquor or…?
By the logic that declares Die Hard a holiday film, I think we should classify Titanic as a Hallmark Christmas movie.
-female lead ditches rich jerky fiancé for humble poor boy
-lots of lights
-iconic pop culture theme music
-lots of ice
-female lead’s hair is very improbable
And then she accused me of oversharing. Can you believe that?
Drive thru cashier:
me: “it hurts when i pee”
doctor: “quit peeing on my desk and ill stop hitting you!”
I told the kids if they’re not good we’re flying United this summer.
At least six times I day I stare at my desk and wonder which object will injure me enough to get me out of work but not hurt that much.
My dad: Which highway did you take?
Me: The one Maps told me to. I dunno. I remember there was asphalt. Other cars and stuff
Oh, your kid is in all honors courses. That’s cool. Well, my kids are learning from real life experiences like why we don’t put forks in the microwave.
It’s so cute when Gen Z tries to insult us millennials. We had metal slides and lawn darts, you can’t touch us
THE ANTICHRIST: Hey, dad. I’m hungry.
THE DEVIL: Hi, Hungry. I’m Beelzebub, the serpent in the Garden, Lucifer, son of the morning, the fallen angel, Baphomet, the prince of darkness, Mephistopheles, Satan, the truest evil, Mammon, the dragon of the bottomless pit, left hand of—
Me When I’m Sick: *very careful not to cough around my kids, tries to wipe down the surfaces I touch, don’t share food with them etc*
My Kids When They Are Sick: *sneezes directly into my mouth*