Just because something’s vegan doesn’t mean it’s cruelty-free. For example, my ex-girlfriend
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There aren’t as many hot pies cooling on the windowsills as the cartoons had me believe as a kid.
“A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step” but so does the one from the living room to the kitchen for snacks and it’s a lot less tiring.
OMG I’M SO OLD AND OUT OF TOUCH WITH POP MUSIC WHAT SONG DOES BREXIT SING
you ran a half marathon? that’s really cool, i’ve almost finished a bunch of things too
god: *inventing horse* this is pretty fast
angel: and so wild
god: only a lunatic would ride one
angel: are you—
god: —ima make a lunatic
Women wanted him, men wanted to be him, geese were skeptical
5yo: dad how many teeth do I have to lose to buy a tv?
Me: *doing zero math* uh like a thousand
5yo: do I have a thousand teeth?
Me: haha not quite
5yo: *just glares at his little brother*
there are smart kids. Then there are my kids heating popsicles up in the microwave.
I date men whom have their life paths laid out firmly and don’t waver.
Yes, their paths are Psycho and Socio, but consistency is admirable.
Every escape room should have a planted person that makes hotter/colder faces when somebody has an idea.
If Kraft singles are so good then why are they still single?
Never sell a golf club on Facebook to someone from East Kilbride!
Me [from bedroom]: Mommmmm!
Mom: What? Why are you yelling
Me: Grandma’s trying to pinch my cheeks
Mom: Grandma’s dead hon
Me: That’s why I’m yelling
Me: I’m an expert at identifying birds
Her: OK, what about those ones flying over that tree?
Me: Yup, they’re all birds
We are gathered here today because our ancestors didn’t have condoms.
If I was a baseball coach, I’d argue with umpires about subjective reality, stressing we can’t be sure the game is actually even happening.
I hate when people ask me if I’m all ready for Christmas. No Susan. I’m not even ready for today.
“Judy, if I don’t survive this vicious goose attack, always know that I loved you”
“my name is Denise”
One quality im not looking for in a potential partner is the ability to maintain a virtual farm
My gyno has to use a car jack instead of a speculum
obi-wan: anakin has turned to the dark side what should we do???
yoda: raise his son to murder him we could
5 year old on the life cycle of humans:
“First you are a baby, then young, then a teenager, then an adult, then old…”Me: Sounds like you have a handle on it
5 yo: “…then caveman, and then rip.”
[DOG MAGICIAN] think of a color, any color…is it…gray?
[OTHER DOG] oh my GOD
My 4yo informed me that she was “less than not half way done” getting ready for school. My guess is she’ll be ready before I figure out what that means.
I know for a fact that the devil exists because I have to pee real bad every time I finish chopping a jalapeño
Spice Girls really missed out when they wouldn’t let that girl Pumpkin be in the group
My kid can’t eat his pasta because *checks notes* the bowl is too thick
[kung fu fight]
“Your tiger claw is no match for my crane.”
*starts lifting heavy building materials*
People say “Don’t get carried away” like that wouldn’t be the coolest mode of transport.