**Pixar Film Themes Guide**
Toy Story: Jealousy
WALL-E: Environmentalism
Up: Bereavement
Cars: Cars
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My son started school today. I’m excited to meet all the new illnesses he’ll be bringing home this fall.
Two companies that hate each other? Probably KIA and …Nokia
Falling in love with me is like cutting your own hair. As in you’ll regret it later.
[kicks in your door to apologize to you]
6yo: chicken is good for you. but not so good for the chicken
😳
Warning: Too much sex leads to a house full of people who don’t like you.
10 bucks says when Dora grows up, she’s gonna be a drug mule.
If you don’t kiss the one ring, Fredo will throw you in the fires on top of Old Smokey
“THE WORLD IS GOING TO END!”
2012: omg please no
2016: are we doing this or not
Breaking news:
“the moon is made of cheese”
You’re an idiot
“And yet you seem to be unable to refute my claim! Is it perhaps that you have no logical rebuttal? Tis always the side with the weaker argument that must resort to name calling. 😏”
being yelled at by the self checkout machine is so humiliating everyone can hear u getting lectured by a little robot
Panicked when I saw “Godzilla” was trending, until I found out there’s a movie.
Stages of a quick trip to Costco:
1. I need only one thing.
2. I need a shopping cart.
3. I need help loading this in my car.
4. I need a bigger car.
[lost at sea]
Me: *sees giant shark* yeah, we’re gonna –Movie nerd: NEED A BIGGER BOAT?!
Me: – die.
Just heard a woman ask if she left her teeth over there
Really hoping this is Halloween related
If you don’t think Colorado needs a wall then you’ve never met someone from Wyoming
HER: *making sexy eyes* did you just get back from the gym
ME: *sweating and out of breath from carrying groceries up the stairs* yes
Me: I took two naps today and was just falling asleep again.
Him: I can think of something to wake you up. *wraggles eyebrows*
Me: Is it food?
“How about if I put a balloon over it? Would you touch it then?”
-guy who invented condoms
Me: I’ve lost the dictionary
Her: Can you look upstairs?
Me: I can’t look up anything
Oh, you have ‘haterz.’
Congratulations. I have lovers. And the ability to spell.
This Lyft driver asked my spouse where he was from (Pennsylvania), then said, dead serious, “Y’all got a lotta werewolves up there?”
My 4yo is constantly asking us if he can push buttons and it’s like…you already do buddy…you already do.
[McDonald’s drive thru]
Me: One burger pls
Drive Thru: Ok one murder got it
Me: Ha what
(In a flash, Grimace is ripping the door off my car)
Not sure why I drink anymore..I get the same effect from standing up too fast.
[yelling to bartender in crowded nightclub] WHAT KIND OF CAPRI SUN FLAVORS DO YOU HAVE?
“This undercooked pasta is an absolute car crash”
What do you mean?
“It’s all denty”
Having kids is like hoping for the Little House on the Prairie but getting Lord of the Flies instead.