H: Can you call my phone? I can’t find it.
M: Sure. PHONE? PHOOOOOONNNE?! PHONE, WHERE ARE YOU?!
H: Have you been day drinking?
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Breaking news:
I got new glasses with anti-glare lenses but I’m looking at my wife right now and, boy, they clearly do not work
Me, after playing Hot Cross Buns on the recorder: Honestly I didn’t write that, it was a cover. I’m working on some originals though.
[God inventing children]
A: Aw, so cute.
G: Make ’em scream.
A: But –
G: All the time. Just scream their heads off.
Me: My dog has gone missing
Dog pound: What colour is it?
Me: Brown
Dog pound: Sex?
Me [turns to wife]: Has the dog lost his virginity?
I did my spring cleaning, I now only have 14 contacts in my phone lol
Lois Lane: “Clark, have you given any thought to contact lenses?”
Clark Kent: *starts sweating nervously*
boss: can i see u in my office
me: [putting on camo jacket] i guess we’ll find out
Me
At 18: hoping for world peace
At 48: hoping my wife laughs at the meme I show her
Advertisers have been tracking exactly how much soup and noodles I’ve eaten over the last 20 years and are still somehow convinced that I can afford a Lexus.
If we put aside our differences and work together, I truly believe we can come up with a few more alternate spellings of the name Britney.
A new study says eating sugar will kill you and was conducted by the No Shit Sherlock Research Institute.
there’s two types of people inthe world: cops who are a week from retirement and robbers who want to go straight but have to do one last job
Learn from your failures. For example, I will never eat Cheetos immediately before a job interview again.
If uneven eyeliner ever becomes a trend, I am golden.
How to make the World Cup more exciting:
Refs are on stilts
The ball screams when kicked
Kissing is legal
1 player gets to use a car
Snakes
I’m 30 and my knees won’t even let me leap down steps to catch a subway. So yes, I think the Die Hard franchise is unrealistic.
Every time we go out as a family, my wife spends half the time yelling “What did we talk about before we left home?” She even says it to the kids.
I’m “I lost my car in a parking lot” years old
*clicks alarm, clicks alarm*
*silence*
Am I even in the right parking lot?
Guys, I’ve never watched Succession or Ted Lasso. It’s like I’m some uncontacted tribe in the middle of nowhere
i like keeping my metabolism on its toes. Like what’s it gonna be today, complete starvation or 6,000 calories.
And I don’t want to hear people from imaginary places like Finland telling me that 57 degrees isn’t cold, save it for the elves, Santa
Y’all ever rage clean your kids’ toys so hard that whoever goes to Goodwill next week is going to hit the Jackpot?
*narrows eyes*
You wouldn’t write it like that unless you poisoned the firgs
Saying “You first” when the doctor told me to take off my shirt made the rest of the appointment awkward for him and I.
Me: I need to see a supervisor
Hat Shop Employee: Excellent choice, Ma’am
cop: are you high?
me: if i was high could i do this? *vaults over car hood and does 360 no scope*
cop: did you just say “asterisk vaults ov
Grandma just made me go across the street to pay the neighbor kid because she forgot to pay him to shovel her driveway….35 YEARS AGO. The man is now in his mid to late 40s.
Im bored… I think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot and sit in my car, with the reverse lights on…
ME, my last day as a doctor: Sir, your sugar is dangerously high. You need to eat less… *checking the notes on my hand*… crabs.